The Semester of the Rainbow

As a child, I grew up in a church that openly accepted individuals of all backgrounds. While this open statement is meant to be inclusive of all forms of diversity, everyone knew that it was particularly meant for gay (and otherwise non-heterosexual) people. I grew up being aware and understanding of the LGBTQ community and their issues, had a few gay friends, was a passive supporter of gay rights. I remember realizing early on that it must not be a choice; it would be a very silly choice for someone to make! They'd be consciously limiting their candidate pool and causing a bunch of potential controversy in their own life.

As a straight man, I'd not had many close encounters with the issue before. Nobody had ever come out of the closet to me before, nor had I had many deep conversations about it and what it means for that individual. This semester, four of my close friends came out.

Maybe I should be more specific, because 'coming out' is a different experience not only for each person but for each time they tell someone. 'Coming out' doesn't necessarily refer to the first time a person acknowledges their sexual orientation to someone else; even openly gay people can experience 'coming out' if they're telling someone new who didn't already know. Each of my friends had already come out for the first time to somebody else (close friends or family depending on the case), but I was one of the first of their friends to know. It is a very flattering experience to be trusted enough by someone for them to come out to you, and I want to share two of those (the second and the third) here on Music and Tourette's.

The first friend I want to write about is Danny. Danny pledged Phi Mu Alpha with me in the fall of 2009. We became particularly close while both learning to play trumpet together in the Marching Tar Heels. Danny and I had a tendency to laugh at everything, and laughter from one of us can get the other going like no other. We developed a very close friendship (in fact, we recently participated in a psychology study about how close friends interact!) One night after a band gig, Danny was driving me back home when he said (I'm paraphrasing) "I have something I should tell you:" after some hesitance he said (and here I quote): "I think I might be gay."

Now - at the time, my focus was drawn not to the 'gay' part but rather to the 'might be' part. I racked my brains for ways to have meaningful conversation about the 'might be,' because I assumed it was something he was trying to figure out. Since I didn’t really have any experience or anything to share, I couldn’t think of anything to say. Danny took my silence to mean that I was uncomfortable, and poor guy called me the next day to apologize for "freaking me out." :)

Later, I talked about it with my supervisor who is an openly gay man and an advocate for the LGBTQ community. He told me that people sometimes use 'might be' as a safety statement when they're first coming out. He said that when he was coming out, he used to tell people that he might be bi, even though he "knew damn well" he was gay. That conversation helped me realize what Danny needed from me as a friend – and more importantly, what he didn’t need.

In fact, Danny had no question about his preference and had already come out comfortably to his family and a few friends. He later explained that his nervousness was more about telling me personally. We had gotten so close as friends and it never came up that he was worried that the new information might not go over well with me. It didn’t really bother me at all, mostly because I had never really attributed any sexuality to Danny in the first place – therefore, when he came out, I was just learning more about him and not changing any thoughts I had about him before.

The next person who came out was Jill, also a trumpet player in the Marching Tar Heels. I had a crush on her all through fall semester and into spring. I had always been kinda shy around her, but I finally asked her to go to a dance performance with me at Memorial Hall; even though she had specified it was "just as friends," that didn’t change the fact that in my mind it was a date!

We had a good time at the show, and afterwards we went to get pizza at Artichoke Basil on Franklin Street. After a while of solid conversation, I noticed she seemed to have something on her mind. It was the same look she often had during band and around campus, the same look in fact that had attracted me to her in the first place. It was a look of introspection, one of silently enormous contemplation. I asked her what was on her mind, and after warning me of the intensity of the following statement, she said she had just gotten out of a big relationship. That was it? Whew! Relieved that I was simply going to be a rebound, I asked her to tell me about him.

"Well..." she said, "her name was Ellen."

Lots of things ran through my head, and being caught off guard I went into automatic RA mode - I asked how she felt about it, talked to her about campus resources, and so on. We were both understandably nervous; I was one of the first people that she had come out to that wasn't a close friend or family, and I had just found out why it really was just friends. The more we talked about it, the more both of us relaxed and felt more comfortable. At one point during the dinner, something she said reminded me of Danny. They seemed to be in very similar circumstances, so I told her about him. She was surprised - "Danny? You mean Trumpet Danny??" The night ended with happy feelings and a hug.

Over the next couple weeks we talked, hung out, and texted each other super often. It was one of the fastest and deepest friendships I've experienced! I tell her all the time (although she still doesn't believe me) that although things didn't turn out like I had expected, it was the best date I've been on. It was in fact the inspiration for my second stand up comedy attempt. It may seem strange to make public jokes about something that just happened, but of course I ran it by her first and looking back I think that being able to laugh it off so quickly really helped us both in the long run. We’re still really good friends – watch this video we made a couple nights ago!

Shortly after our 'date,' the three of us (Danny, Jill, and myself) decided to dinner together at Noodles & Co. It was awkward at first, but Danny started conversation like a pro and it all went marvelously from there. Now the three of us are super close - when we're around each other, we go by Otis, Marvin, and Gretchen (it's a running joke dontcha know) and do all sorts of randomness – that is, as much as Otis and I can convince Gretchen to do!

Otis, Marvin, and Gretchen

I feel so incredibly honored that both of them would share such an important part of themselves with me, and lucky that they did it at almost the same time. Just by talking, both Jill and Danny have felt increasingly more comfortable with being open about who they are. I feel a strong connection with their paths, because I think that having Tourette's can have a similar social effect. Both being gay and having Tourette's involve being born with a certain difference that is often misunderstood. In fact, I sometimes think of it as 'coming out' when I have to figure out how to tell someone nicely that I have Tourette's.

I look forward to our friendship developing more in the future! I continue to be amazed by the deep ties and connections made with people, especially those made through music and Tourette's.