Thinkin' About Monkeys

I found pretty early on that it's hard to read most Tourette's literature. The only one I've found motivating is "Front of the Class" by Bradley Cohen. I liked it because he never stopped doing - he kept on living his life, forcing his way through all the bullshit that people kept giving him for his Tourette's.

I had trouble reading the books "Icy Sparks" and "Don't Think About Monkeys." I think that these books are good for the non-Touretter, but I just can't stand to read them. It seemed to me like these books were ways to express pain, to show how much having Tourette's sucked. I already know this; I don't need a book to tell me. I couldn't even get through the books, I just didn't want to hear about how depressed these people were!

On the other hand, about a month before I met Charlene, she read the book "Icy Sparks." Before this, she hadn't even heard of the disorder - how fortuitous that she would read it right before meeting me! That just goes to show how important audience is, I guess. For now, I'll just keep thinking about monkeys.

Classes

Today marks the first weekend after classes began of the new semester! I'm really excited about it, because I have a really great lineup of classes. I have Music Theory III, Psych 101, Intro to Rock and Roll (that's right!), Intro to Computer Programming, and Peer Leadership. The last one is a class I have to take because I'm an RA, :P. I forsee a lot of frustration with that class, but the good news is that I have it with my best buddy Bruce. Cool! I'm sure I'll be posting interesting bits here and there throughout the semester. Peace friends!

Speechless

I just experienced something that touched me deeply and I feel the need to share.

As for a bit of background, by now you know that I did not have Tourette's all my life, but rather acquired it suddenly in high school. I've always thought of it as that I got the easy; middle and elementary school are the really formative years, and lucky for me I didn't' have to deal with peers picking on my based on my TS all the time. In fact, I've even felt some shame because of that - who am I to join support groups, when I got to skip what is arguably the most difficult part of a Touretter's life? People are always surprised when they find out I haven't had it all my life, and when I tell them I always feel like I loose 16 years worth of credibility. Today I realized that isn't necessarily true.

Earlier, I was hanging out with two friends who were doing some homework. One friend was a guy who sometimes has a rather rough demeanor but always has a good heart; I think of him as a particularly masculine individual. The other was a young woman with a very unique, almost maternal personality. I was telling them about the guy I had met with facial tics in my Comp Sci class. They were both surprised and somewhat entertained at how genuinely excited I was when I saw his tics. I explained to them that I had never met anybody else with Tourette Syndrome, and that after everything that's happened, no wonder I'm excited when I see someone else who might have had similar experiences! The male friend said "I know how you feel. Actually... I don't. But, I can guess." When he said this, I was a bit confused and said that I didn't mind him saying "I know how you feel" even if he didn't actually have TS, and that it actually meant a lot to me in the first place.

After a moment, he said (and of course this is paraphrased, based on my crummy memory) "You know... I was thinking. I always thought that Tourette's was something you had all your life; but it seems like it would be harder how it happened to you." Even though I understood what he was saying and could predict what was coming next, I was confused. I had never thought of it that way before; also, he was beginning to tear up, which is even more confusing. "I have so much respect for you - I can't imagine what it must be like to do everything that you do even though that happened to you. I don't know what I would do." At this point, he was choking up and covering his eyes with his hand. "So when I say 'I know how you feel...' I really don't."

And with that he finished. I was speechless and he was embarrassed (which is why I've done my best to tell the story without revealing identity as best as possible. I hope I've written it well enough that he could read it and feel good about it.). There were a few moments of silence, and he left for the bathroom. When he was left, I didn't know what to say or do. "That's... never happened before" I said. "Really?" said the second friend, "because that's what everybody thinks."

I was blown away. Still am, actually. I never thought of myself as much of a fighter or anything like that, or even that my unusual onset of TS was any more difficult or inspirational or different than the 'normal' case. Especially when the second friend echoed his sentiment, I felt thrown into a whole new setting.

Many people have told me that my struggle with TS is motivating, but it never struck me like this before. I feel like I just found out I'm some strange kind of hero, but didn't quite realize what all was entailed. People I consider my equals or even superiors look up to me... valleys are mountains and mountains aren't really what you thought they were in the first place. Wow.

New Toy

I've been itching to play/have an electric guitar for a while, and opportunity knocked on my door last night. My fraternity brother just bought an Epiphone Les Paul and was getting rid of his old elecrtic. He gave me his Squier Strat for an amazingly awesome price. I love it soooo much!! I'm still working on transitioning (or would it be expanding?) from acoustic style to electric styles, and it feels great. by the way I've been trying to figure out exactly what color this is - some say blue, some say purple. What do you think??

I MET A TICCER!!!!1 :D

Today in my computer programming class, I noticed a student who kept twitching his eyebrows everyfew seconds. For those who don't spend large amounts of time with me, I'm always on the lookout for someone else with Tourette's. I think I spotted one once a looong time ago and I didn't go talk to him; ever since, I've been on the lookout trying to find somebody else who shares the condition with me.

So anyway my 'tic-dar' was going nuts over this guy, and I knew I had to talk to him after class. I've always practiced what to say if/when I meet someone, but of course all of that flew out the window and it was awkwardfest. I walked over and asked if he had tics, then explained that I have Tourette Syndrome and I'm always on the lookout to find somebody else with the disorder. He said he did have eyebrow tics, but that he hadn't been diagnosed as TS and also didn't have any other regular tics. We introduced ourselves, and as he so eloquently put it "it's nice to meet somebody else with the same problem."

We'll see if there's more to come!

Leb

Hello again! Today was the first day of classes for UNC's fall '09 semester, an exciting day indeed!

Two nights ago, I was with one of my fraternity brothers who was feeling down. After talking things out, we picked up guitars and made up a song on the spot. He played electric lead while I played rhythm on his steel six string; I was his support while he poured his heart out. It was an intense and deep moment, and we played for at least ten minutes without stopping or changing the music.

This particular brother is very spiritual, and has talked to me about what is called the 'language of the heart. ' I'm sure I'm not able to explain this nearly as well as he can, but it is not a spoken language, but more of a felt one. It is more of an abstract language about love rather than a language to write a shopping list or a play. In Hebrew, the word for this is "Leb." Although it does not specifically have to do with music, in that moment I felt the language of the heart between us. We didn't tell each other what was going on or what the other was going to play, but it worked and it was beautiful. I was so honored that I could be a part of that, and that we have the bond that allowed that to happen. Love - be it romantic or brotherly - is magnificent!

Dell Support

A while back I had a particularly strong tic in my hand while I was typing that resulted in the right 'control' key being ripped off.

Today I talked to Dell support about an unrelated issue with the touchpad, which they are going to replace. I asked them if I could get the key replaced as well. "What happened to the key?" the technician (José was his name) asked.

"Well... I have a neurological disability that causes me to twitch and flail my arms sometimes at random. One time my hand got caught on the control key and ripped it off."

José said that they don't normally replace things that were caused by external factors, but that he would make an exception in this case.

Thanks Dell! :-)