Music and Tourette's

The Right to Remain Silent II

2011-04-22T23:04:00.000-07:00

Remember the monologue from way back when?

Recently I saw a flier calling for monologues relating to diversity to be performed (anonymously) for a production similar to Duke's Me Too Monologues. I remembered my old one, so I dug it up and sent it in. I was notified it was to be accepted, and invited to perform it as well if I was interested. After thinking about it, I realized that the monologue depicted me at a different stage in my life than I am currently in, and decided it would therefore be inappropriate for me to perform it.

The organization contacted me again, saying that the actor would like to meet with me (if I was comfortable with that) to really be able to capture the spirit of the writing and the disorder. You know me, I'm not one for anonymity with my Tourette's so naturally I agreed. Unfortunately, we weren't able to schedule a time before the show, but maybe it was better that way.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5L3t557NpBo

I had to arrive to the show late, so when I walked in I wasn't sure if mine had been performed yet or not. I watched several very emotional monologues before the last monologue started with familiar words: "I have Tourette Syndrome..."

It was an incredible experience to hear words that I had written so long ago be performed. It was very literally like stepping into a time machine and taking a look at myself in the past. It was a reminder of some of my darker struggles, a contrast to my present emotions - a ride I was not expecting when I first submitted the monologue.

The actor, Philip Delvecchio, did a great job both with interpretation and faking tics. I noticed a few differences in how the he portrayed the story versus how I had originally intended it - not big things, and certainly not wrong things. My first thought was to wish that our schedules had worked out so we could have discussed it before the show, but in reflection I'm glad that we didn't. This was a work of art - specifically a dramatic monologue - that I had written in my past, something that should not be retroactively touched by my present. It was his job as an actor to decide how to best tell that story, a task he did marvelously.

After the show, I shook his hand and gave him a hug. It was all I could do.

Are rappers musicians?

2010-11-19T15:47:00.000-08:00

So I just answered the question "Are rappers musicians?" on Facebook Questions, and I'd like to share my answer on here!

Music is defined as (paraphrasing http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/music), combining tones and sounds for artistic value.

That being said, rappers are very much musicians, as their contribution to a song is integral to not only a song's effect but also its meaning. Rappers rely less on tones and more on rhythms, and as many people have already pointed out, so do drummers - musicians. Rappers use their voices to produce their music, just as every other singer or vocalist does. Although the don't focus on pitch (but they do use it), their tones, timbres, and inflections are used and even celebrated. This is why B.o.B sounds different from Eminem sounds different from Lil' Wayne.

An interesting point on drummers - tabla players in Indian Classical music have onomatopoeic syllables to describe different kinds of strikes or hits. They are expected to be able to pronounce them as fast as they can play them, and sometimes even perform this way.

http://chandrakantha.com/articles/indian_music/bol_percussion.html

One point of argument may be in the repetitive nature of most rap songs. Cyclic music, although definitely found in Western music, is even more common in other musical traditions. In these styles, the musical piece is appreciated as more of a repeating melody with subtle or not-so-subtle variations thrown in; much like rap. I'm thinking particularly of Shona, Hindustani, and Gamelan music.

http://www.britannica.com/EBchecked/topic/147944/cyclic-form

Although rap lyrics can definitely be considered a subset of poetry, it's hard to imagine most rapper's style applied to other poetic forms such as haikus or limericks. While a rapper can and sometimes do rap without music, their lyrics are specifically intended to be performed withinstrumental accompaniment. This separates rap from Spoken Word, which is a definite form of poetry.

https://www.msu.edu/~miazgama/spokenword.htm

They may not be musicians like Rossini or Mozart as one answerer said, but I would argue that they may be. Mozart and and the like gained their popularity by how their arrangements of tones and sounds appealed to the common listener, which is exactly what guys like Jay Z or Snoop Dogg are doing. Time will only tell how long their music will last - don't forget that Mozart was the "sex, drugs, and rock-and-roll" of his time and genre, and Stravinsky's Rite of Spring essentially caused a mosh-pit at it's debut.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0086879/

http://www.npr.org/programs/specials/milestones/991110.motm.riteofspring.html

With all of that being said, I firmly believe that rappers are musicians.

Newspaper

2010-11-12T14:45:00.000-08:00

Hi everyone,

I haven't blogged in an unforgivably long time. I've been very busy with school and haven't found the time to sit down and blog.

But a couple highlights!

Over the past couple weeks, I have spoken in two of Dr. Jeannie Loeb's psychology classes. One was an abnormal psychology class, and the other was an introductory course. Both times I talked for the full fifty minutes, and had time to answer questions from the students. In fact, the 101 class seemed to have more intelligent questions than the more advanced one. I had a great time and the professor was very appreciative - it looks like I'll be doing this more in the future!

The second highlight is that the school newspaper the Daily Tar Heel ran not just one but two features on me and my Tourette's. One was a print article that went on last Friday's front page, and the other was a multimedia presentation intended for the internet. Here's a link to both!

Written Article

Multimedia Feature

Sorry for making you wait so long! I'll try to be better about staying updated!

-Michael

Birthday!

2010-08-16T23:55:00.000-07:00

Monday was my birthday!! I:

1) started the day (at midnight) with the tail end of a jam session with Casey Smith, Duncan Lewis, and Paddy C.
2) Woke up late
3) Had a ton of birthday wishes on fBook - thanks everyone!
4) Sat and wrote music for a couple hours
5) Was sung 'happy birthday' by my dad ( Pj Crosa) and 'happy beerthday' by my grandma
6) Was almost sung 'happy birthday' by Christina Fluet. But then I wasn't.
7) Talked to my mom ( Melissa Robinson), who made an A on her first med school test!
8) Got a rice krispy treat cake in the mail from the afore-mentioned mother
9) Staff meeting cancelled by Josh Giles Alexander, yeeeeesss!
10) Went to Sugarland, read a couple chapters of "Mozart in the Jungle" and took a picture of what I got.
11) Doodled around in my office (that's right... I have one. Kind of.)
12) Got the ball rolling on a student org for people with neurological... differences
13) Stuffed myself at Chili's with my brothers
14) Went on a food run with Paul Rosser and Sami Card

15) I turned 20!

Camp Twin Lakes XVII - Outdoor Living Skills

2010-07-21T19:00:00.000-07:00

This week I switched to work in the other CTL location in Rutledge. That means that while I know how to do all of the things, I'm not quite as familiar with the location. One of the session that we offer is called Outdoor Living Skills, which can be a pretty painful session. At Will-A-Way, we have a treasure hunt set up to teach the kids how to use a compass. At Rutledge, we discuss camping skills and maybe try out a few things like fire building, tent pitching, random play in the woods, etc.

I was scheduled for an OLS session with ten year old boys this week. I was a little nervous about not having the treasure hunt, but still confident. One was in a wheelchair to reduce internal bleeding (he had hemophilia) from a sprained ankle. I met them at the ball field with the external frame backpack full of camping essentials, and we went through the list and talked about each one in the shade. They seemed pretty interested, or at least interested in relating each of the items to a bear attack. When I got to the end of the list, I told them we'd go down to the camping outpost to try some fire building. They were pumped!

Now, here's the thing... I hadn't actually been to the camping outpost before. Somebody told me the trail to it was behind the ball field. So I found a trail that looked promising and off we went! As we walked, we sang "Goin on a bear hunt" and related the verses to the trail we were on. Once we came to a huuge field with nothing looking remotely like a campsite in sight, i was like 80% sure we were on the wrong trail. My poker face went into full swing.

"Are you sure this is the right trail?" asked a counselor.

"Yep!" I said.

"Are there snakes out here?"

"No way!"

"Are there bears out here?"

"Not at all!"

All bluffing. As for the bears and snakes, it's not that I knew there were any, I just didn't really know the status yay or nay.

It had to be between 90 and 100 degrees outside, and we were out in a field with absolutely no shade anywhere. The kids and I were dripping sweat - they were begging to turn back so I said "What do you guys say we stop right here and try building a fire?"

So there we sat, trying to light sticks on fire with a single set of flint and steel, blazing hot. I wanted to tell them that I've scared a bear away before, but I felt that with all the bull I was telling them before, they probably wouldn't believe me. The counselors had found a scrap of shade and were standing in it skeptically . I turn around and see one kid with his shirt off, spinning in circles saying "I'm dying of heat stroke, I'm dying of heat stroke!"

Finally I decided it was time to pull the plug. "You know what guys? You're doing such a great job that I think I'm gonna let you guys go a little early!" We headed back through the random field and the blazing sun. The wheelchair got stuck a couple times, it was crazy.

I thought I had gotten away with it without them knowing until I was walking back towards the dining hall after the session. I ran into one of the other counselors that hadn't come. He came up to me smiling and said "Hey Mike! I'm sorry I missed the session. I went down to where the campsites were and I didn't see you guys!"

I was glad he hadn't said that in front of anybody else from the group. I hoped that he wouldn't think to say anything to them later. I looked off in the distance and said:

"Hmm.... how strange....."

Camp Twin Lakes XVI

2010-07-11T19:15:00.000-07:00

A little over Twitch and Shout left, I still have a lot of vocal tics. It's fine being at camp, but it would be difficult at school. It's a little strange, most of the staff forget when I didn't have vocal tics - kind of a strange play in identity!

This past week was absolutely amazing. The camp was dedicated for kids affected and infected by HIV. I didn't realize how much people with HIV have to hide - in fact, this was one of the only camps that is openly HIV, many others operate in secrecy. The large majority of the camp were inner city kids from Atlanta. I was a little worried about how the kids would react to being in the woods and to camp in general, but it couldn't have been better.

The kids and the counselors were an amazingly cohesive group. I knew all of the counselors name within the first day (never happens) and the kids immediately identified with the counselors and gave them respect. The kids treated each other like family, encouraging each other to try new things and enjoy every minute of camp.

Many of the campers were wary of my tics at first, but during opening ceremonies I got on stage and gave an explanation of my Tourette's. I always do my best to not parallel my Tourette's with whatever special need they might be at camp for (in this case, HIV). All though it might be a common thread to share, I have no idea what they've been through and if it really can be compared. I'd much rather them make that connection on their own. With that in mind, once I explained about my Tourette's the campers took to my Tourette's in a great way. The younger ones used my tics as a greeting to me and to each other, and even started affectionately calling me "Tip," my most common tic at the time. The older ones asked me questions, and even told me about friends and family members who have Tourette's. In fact, one of the kids in my cabin had Tourette's and I didn't find out until the last day. He was beaming when I asked him about it!

Camp is amazing.

Camp Twin Lakes XVI - Twitch and Shout

2010-07-10T13:45:00.000-07:00

Reflecting on Camp Twitch and Shout, it was a great experience and I can't wait to help them out next year. I wasn't sure exactly what I wanted to get out of the week, and it was good to go in with no expectations. I got to meet Brad Cohen, author of Front of the Class, a book about Tourette Syndrome which has meant a lot to me and others. I also got to meet Jimmy Wolk, the actor that played him in the Hallmark movie based on the book. Both guys were phenomenal at camp, and I got to be particularly close with Jimmy. Here's a (bad) picture of the three of us:

Jimmy Wolk, Me, and Brad Cohen

This summer has really pushed me towards music as a career and possibly music therapy. Brad was the founder of Camp Twitch and Shout, and I (probably) wouldn't have known about Brad had it not been for the movie. I had them both sign a little djembe that I've had for a while - a significant thing, I think!

Camp Twitch and Shout had a Hollywood theme for their dance, red carpet and all that. On each of the six doors, they put up a star with somebody's name on it. Two were the camp directors, one was the nurse, one was Jimmy, one was Tim Howard (Team USA goalkeeper, who has Tourette's), and one was for me. It was a small gesture, but a meaningful one. At the end of the night, Brad found me and asked for a picture with me. Also a small but meaningful gesture. Meeting the Twitch and Shout crew really showed me how much is being done, but also how much is still needed. I want to take this motivation back to UNC, raise some money for next year, start a group - and who knows, maybe even create some awareness ;-)

Brad and I after the Twitch and Shout dance

Camp Twin Lakes XV

2010-07-02T20:24:00.001-07:00

Camp Twitch and Shout left today. A lot of them were crying as left the friends they had made and ventured back into the real world where tics weren't the normal thing anymore. I welled up a little bit too, as kid after kid came up to me saying how awesome of a time they had at camp. Now that I have some time, I want to write about some stories from camp that really stuck with me.

One of the kids in the cabin I was hanging out with was Holden, who I mentioned in an earlier post. Holden was a little different than most, it seemed like his parents had a very intolerant view towards his Tourette's because he continuously apologized for his tics and had a few other strange attitudes towards it. Holden did not seem to be aware of religious diversity in the world, because one day he began talking about religion with his favorite counselor, Jimmy. Jimmy was trying to avoid the subject and yet be honest. After Holden realized that Jimmy's beliefs were not the same as his own, he asked "If you're not Christian, then what are you?" to which Jimmy answered "Well Holden... I'm Jewish." Holden held it in for a while, but began to break down as soon as Jimmy left the room. Another counselor, Zack, tried to console by explaining to him that Jesus was Jewish, which further confused Holden and his religious identity. By the time I entered the scene, Holden was ticcing the word "CHRISTIAN" very loudly and almost painfully in the cabin. It was hard to tell if it was a tic or a strange sort of plea. Holden found a closet and shut himself inside it - Zack and I let him be for a while. He also started ticcing the words "JIMMY" and "PEANUT BUTTER." It's uncommon for tics to directly relate to what the ticcer is sad or upset about, but it Holden was clearly upset about things both religious and culinary. Zack got the rest of the cabin playing a round of Apples to Apples while I went to Holden's closet.

I opened the door and found him sitting - he was crying loudly and asked for his parents. After many attempts to change the subject, I told him I was kind of hungry and would like to sneak an ice cream sandwich from the dining hall and would like some company. He agreed, and off we went. We walked in silence most of the way, and as soon as we left the cabin he didn't have any of the afore mentioned tics. We made our way to the dining hall where I deftly scooped two ice-cream sammies out of the freezer without any other campers seeing. Holden and I left the building and walked towards archery. Here's what the conversation was like:

"What's been your favorite part of camp, Holden?"
"Tourette's."

"Yeah it's good to be around people like you."

"Yeah."

"Tell me about your life, man. Tell me about you."
"Well... I like... I don't like my Tourette's. I like video games."

"Me too, Holden."

After a long pause, he said: "Thanks for being my friend."

And with that, we turned around and went back to the cabin. We didn't talk about Jimmy, or Jesus, or anything really. It was just being there that helped Holden calm down.

The next day, I was reading the Sungrams during the camp news. Sungrams are little messages campers can write to one another for encouragement or compliments. I was getting towards the end of the Sungrams when I got to one in particularly scribbled handwriting. I made eye contact with Jimmy, then the slightly strange but heartfelt message:

"To Jimmy from Holden. You are a good friend. You are like my dad."

The next story took place on the very last day up on the ropes course. We had a cabin of 15 and 16 year old girls doing the high team challenge, which is a team-building challenge that we can send up to eight campers and/or counselors on at a time, thirty-five feet up in the air. One girl in this group named Emma seemed to be having a particularly hard time with her tics. She kept making a big deal of it though, apologizing and saying something about each one to the group.

"CHICKEN TERIYAKI PENIS! ooh, that was kinda strange. ORANGE JUICE CUM! Yeah, didn't mean that one..." and so on. When we were clipping her into the ropes course, she said she was worried that she would have a tic to unclip her crab claws (the device connecting the harness to the safety cable) or jump off the platform. The counselors were devided; a couple knew she was doing it for attention, while the other CTL facilitator was giving in, asking the girl if she would be safe up there or if maybe she shouldn't go. I knew what was going on, so I told the other facilitator it was fine and we sent the girl up. It took her about twenty minutes to get up the cargo net, a feat which takes most kids - even kids with tics worse than hers - about two or three. She sat on the platform at the top and waited for the rest of the cabin to get up. While she was up there, she had a few tics that made her jump off the platform (a few kids actually had that throughout the week) but don't worry, she was clipped in and perfectly safe. We got the cabin up there and began the activity, to walk across suspended pieces of wood while the group held hands in a circle. Emma began to talk about 'what if she got a tic and made people fall,' and began crying that people would get mad at her. I was starting to get very irritated, because at this point I could tell she was embellishing her Tourette's for attention and keeping the group from doing the activity big time. Instead of coddling her or taking her down, I told her to wait in the back with me while the other facilitator took the rest of the group. Emma sat patiently while the rest of the group went, and while she gave advice and direction to the rest of the group, she didn't have any major tics or issues. After the group was halfway across to the next platform, I sat down across from Emma, and thirty-five feet in the air I said to her:

"Okay, let's talk. I know tics, and you know tics. We both know that we can do certain things to make them worse. I'm calling your bluff, I don't think your tics are as bad as you're making them. You haven't had any tics since you've been up here that make me nervous about you being up here."

She got big eyes, and said "Are you saying I don't have tics?"

"Notice I said I haven't seen any tics that make me nervous about you being up here. This is Tourette's camp, I have Tourette's, and you can do this activity, there's no reason for you to be sitting out. In life, you have to work past the tics and live life not thinking about it. Once you overcome them, people will respect you for that and you'll be better for it. I know, because I have. It's hard, because as Touretters we're naturally obsessive. But as soon as that group gets to the next platform, I want you to go over and join them."

That was all that needed to be said. From then on, her tics were average, and she acted like a regular camper, not pleading for attention. She got across the ropes course, and she and I even went over one element together, holding on to each others shoulders. We talked about life, and she told me about how much positive she has gained from having Tourette's, OCD, ADHD, and a learning disability. It was a great moment, and I felt good about it because nobody else could have done that. Someone with Tourette's doesn't know what it feels like, and wouldn't have been able to call her out like I did.

That's it for tonight, it's getting really late. Don't worry though, I've got more about Camp Twitch and Shout to write about!

Camp Twin Lakes XIV

2010-06-30T11:36:00.000-07:00

Hi again! I'm doing my best to write about Camp Twitch and Shout as much as I can, but I want to spend as much time with them as much as possible! Being around these kids have made my own tics a lot worse, but I don't care a single bit because it's such an amazing place to be. My vocal tics usually consist of "HUWOP!" "DIP," or "TIP," but there have definitely been plenty of random ones as well as some coprolalia.

I've gotten pretty close to one camper in particular, John, who has very strong tics. An example of his physical tics, he hits himself (very hard) and gives people very violent hugs, and coprolalia. He and I set each other's tics off; when I hear him tic, it makes me tic, and vice versa just like a yawn. At one point, we were walking somewhere together and it sounded like this:

"FUCK!"

"HUWOP!"

"FUCK!"

"HUWOP!"

"FUCK FUCK!"

"HUWOP HUWOP!"

We both were very aware of the situation and how strange it was, but we couldn't stop! I led a drum session with John's cabin and it wen really well. All the campers were pretty chill, and were able to continue a beat without needing to do games and to keep them going. At one point, John started having a very strong bout of physical tics and went off to the side so that he could work them out. In my own experience, going off to the side just made it worse because it only gives more attention to focus on the tics. The group was self-sustaining for the moment, so I grabbed a drum, took it to him and said "alright John, I'm going to try something."

I got up close to him, almost in his face, and said "John, play this drum. Play this drum John. Play it. Now." He reached out and tapped it when he could; when his arm ticced away from the drum I kept it going "John, just play the drum play this rhythm." I was a little nervous that I might piss him off by being insensitive, but I checked in with him later and he was appreciative. I was trying to make him concentrate on using his body for a purpose, hoping to eliminate the idle body that is like a canvas for tics. I recognized some of my own tics in him, and I think that what made me do that was that I wanted to experiment and maybe learn more about myself. It didn't work as tearjerkingly perfect as I had hoped, but it was still a pretty powerful moment for me and I hope for him too.

That's it for now - I gotta go help at paddle boats!

Camp Twin Lakes XIII

2010-06-30T11:16:00.000-07:00

Today was the first full day of camp for Camp Twitch and Shout, the first day of sessions! In the morning, I started out with two drumming sessions with girls ages (about) 10-14. It was a lot harder than I expected - the kids were easily distracted (especially with drums in front of them) and not terribly interested in the activities I had prepared. That's okay though, I've got all week to try it again!

I also got to go up on the ropes course with Jimmy - he and I partnered up and put our hands on each other's shoulders as we walked across wires 35 feet up in the air. I got a chance to talk to him about his depiction of Tourette's in the movie Front of the Class and talk to him about it.

This week is awesome!

Camp Twin Lakes XII

2010-06-27T21:39:00.000-07:00

Before Camp Twin Lakes, I hadn't met anybody else with Tourette Syndrome. Today I met over a hundred.

Check in for Camp Twitch and Shout was today, and it was an incredible experience. For one, my tics went absolutely crazy, I was yelling and even had some very definite coprolalia going. It was really cool, because I could see so many kids who were nervous about coming to camp for the first time. I would let out a big "HUP!," they would look at me and their eyes would get really wide and their mouths open, in awe at the guy who was like them and walking around doing important-looking stuff! It's a good feeling that my Tourette's could provide so much comfort for the kids!

Specific story time: I went to meet the cabin I would be hanging out with for the week (which incidentally Jimmy is a counselor for) and we played a game of Apples to Apples. There was one kid - we'll call him Holden - with significant vocal tics, but most of the kids had physical ones. Holden seemed to have some other comorbidities, perhaps some ADD and maybe some Asperger's, I couldn't quite tell. When we were on our way to the dining hall, Holden walked next to me. Out of the blue he declared "you're cool." After denying his claim and telling him that in fact he was the cool one, he said very matter-of-factly "I have Tourette's, just like you." It was one of the awesomest things I've heard, because it sounded like it could have been the first time he was able to take pride in his disorder - and he did it by comparing himself to me. I can already tell I'm gonna cry when they leave!

Camp Twin Lakes XI

2010-06-27T07:00:00.000-07:00

At last, Camp Twitch and Shout is here!

This weekend my mom came to visit this weekend and we went to watch Toy Story 3 together, an outing we had planned a year ago when trailers for the movie first started being released. We drove back to camp, and in the parking lot I saw none other than Brad Cohen himself, an author, speaker, and educator who I look up to immensely. The movie that they made about his life, called Front of the Class was a huge inspiration and has means a lot to me. I was able to collect myself in the car enough to act like a normal human being in front of him, but it was hard. He was with another camp director and other staff, both of which also had Tourette's. Being around other Tourettics for the first time, I was really excited and hoopin and hollering (involuntarily, that is!)

Later that night, Cate and I were jamming in the dining hall in preparation for the next week. At about 1:30 AM, one of the counselors came in to listen to us. "Sound great!" he said. I couldn't really see him, so I said hi and asked him his name. "My name is Jimmy." As he stepped into the light, I saw that it was the actor who played Brad in the movie. I had held myself together when I met Brad, but when I met Jimmy, I lost it.

"uh... my name is Michael... hummahumaa a movie guy...." and so on.

Basically, this week is going to be AWESOME.

Camp Twin Lakes X

2010-06-24T11:01:00.000-07:00

This week and last week we've had camps for people with developmental and other mental disabilities. The first week was for youth ages 7 to 30, and this week is adults ages 30 all the way up to 68. It's been a very interesting group, and just like with Roger from earlier on, it's clear that the people here aren't so much limited, they're just posed with different challenges. I've been leading a lot of drum sessions the past two weeks, switching with people so that I lead drumming multiple times per day.

The campers usually have a lot of fun, and often get really excited and really into it. One moment stuck in my head - I was leading a group of girls who were probably about my own chronological age in a drum session, and I told them "you all are doing wonderfully, we'll all be pros before you know it!" One girl was particularly moved, and jumped up and said "I'm doing it, I'm doing it! They always tell me I can't, that I'll never be able to but look at me now, I'm DOING IT!!!!" It was very touching, because it was very heartfelt and very real.

This week we have older people - I thought it would be different than working with kids, but it's really not. Other than having more medical issues and being more interested in sex, it's the same as working with kids. There's one guy who's in his late fifties, he looks like he could be a friends dad, but once you talk to him, he's very much at a 6 or 7 year old level. He likes to try pulling pranks on the women, he gets nervous and shaky if he thinks you're going to get angry at him, and so on. During my drum session with his cabin, we went on a 'drum parade' where we sneak up to other sessions and surprise them with loud noises and percussion. Somehow, he had heard about the drum parade before and asked to do it as soon as the group sat down. He had such an awesome time sneaking around to other sessions, it was a sight to see. When we snuck up on the dance and movement session, he ran circles around the group holding his lollipop drum high above his head. It was awesome to see someone so old having such a good time.

Also, I found out from a guy with Savant's Syndrome I was born on a Thursday. The point is, I'm really enjoying teaching drumming, and I'm going to start looking into music therapy programs once I get back to Chapel Hill.

Cheers!

Camp Twin Lakes IX

2010-06-16T10:45:00.000-07:00

We had a camp come through that was exclusively for children with burn injuries, Camp Coldwater. This camp has been going for eighteen years, and they are on top of their stuff like nobody's business! They had all sorts of things planned and ready; in fact, they brought in an 18-wheeler full of toys, golf carts, and other equipment to give these kids the best week ever. While many camps may bring in about half as many volunteers as campers, Camp Coldwater actually had significantly more volunteers than campers. They were able to have generous camper-to-counselor ratio in the cabins, as well as plenty of administrative staff and special teams. The volunteers were mostly firefighters, but there were also plenty of previous campers and UGA Social Work students.

My favorite was the fluids team - because skin grafts don't sweat, overheating can be an issue. There were two golf carts and about five or six people dedicated to bringing mixtures of kool-aid with themed names such as 'Dragons Breath,' 'Peasants Revolt,' and 'Damsels Delight' for the kids. They had their own walkie-talkie channel specifically for fluids, so that any time a kid said "I'm kinda thirsty," their counselor would radio for fluids and they'd show up at the drop of a hat.

I wasn't really sure what to expect in terms of interacting with the kids, specifically towards their injuries. At the routine staff medical briefing meeting, the nurses told us that some kids were injured in accidental fires, while others sustained their injuries from the malicious intentions of others. The first day, I noticed every burn, every skin graft. When I introduced myself to the cabin I was assigned to help out for the week, the counselors told me their own burn stories within about an hour without any prompting or asking:

"Hey, I'm Clint, I've been coming to camp since the first Camp Coldwater eighteen years ago. When I was four, my mom was cooking bacon and I climbed up the stove and knocked the pan all over myself."

Walt told me a touching story - "When I was a kid, I was pourin gas on a fire to see it light up, you know? The first couple times it was really cool and the fire - like - WHOOM - ya know! but then the fire went up into the gas can, and it exploded all over me. I could hear my brothers yellin "Roll, man, roll!" so I did and it worked. My Mom poured cold water on me from the hose, and the doctors said that's what helped keep me from bein burned real bad. I camp to camp the second year, that's where I met Clint. Then you know Kathy? She bit a TV cord when she was little and has a burn on the side of her mouth. We met then, too, now we're married with one kid and one on the way!"

At Coldwater I didn't make as many close bonds with individual campers as I had for some of the other camps, but I had a lot of smaller moments with a lot of them. Many of the campers and volunteers this week were from the deep south, real country boys and girls and proud of it. I'm a little ashamed to say, there was one instance in which I thought a kid had some cognitive deficits, but it turns out he was just being country. 'Deep South' isn't really a heritage that I particularly identify with, so I was a little self-conscious sometimes about how I came across.

However, the fact of the matter was that the kids were still kids at summer camp, and therefore they think every little thing you do is awesome. One moment stuck out in my head the most. I got to MC the talent show, which I did dressed as a banana. All the kids loved it, and I was from then on known to the campers as "Banana Man." Even the ones who I assumed I would have the least in common with would come up to me with all sorts of high-fives and hugs and smiles, telling me what they did that day and the recent news with their date to the prom and with their friends.

The Banana Man

There was one moment of camp that stuck in my head the most. The cabin I had been hanging out with all week had asked me to do a drumming session with them during camp swim time. I took the six boys (ages 11-12) and Clint over to the pavilion and asked them to pull over three picnic tables in a U-shape so that we have a place to sit. Immediately, the boys each ran to a different table, each one tugging with all his might. I called them back over and told that it was a team building exercise (bluffing) and that they need to work together. With that, they all went to the same table but started tugging and pulling at different times and angles. The more dominant boys started getting frustrated and began barking orders, while the others - and one in particular - were very clearly getting upset. Clint and I got them all to stop and sit down at one of the tables and take a few deep breaths.

Then, we started talking. It was very difficult for them to create constructive criticism, and even harder for them to point out their own shortcomings in dealing with the situation. One boy even had some tears, because he had been picked on throughout the week by some of the tougher boys. Finally, we came to a consensus about how to treat each other and the method of going about moving the table. The group elected a leader, and he led the team to move the tables. It was still rough, but the job got done.

During the drum session, I tried my hardest to pick activities that encouraged teamwork and emphasized that we were working together to make one sound. It was a difficult session to get going, but picked up pretty well considering the earlier frustration.

After the session, it was time to move the tables back. I had hoped that my budding skills as a drum-circle facilitator had worked miracles, and that they would be able to move the tables with smiles and laughter, and we'd go skipping merrily into the sunset. In reality, it was still a difficult task to move the tables. BUT it happened, and it happened with considerably less frustration and agression than the first time.

It's funny how little unexpected moments like this can pop up and really have an impact on you. At the beginning I was a little anxious about what it would be like to work with kids with burn injuries. It turns out that as usual, kids are kids no matter what. The rest is only skin deep.

Camp Twin Lakes VIII

2010-06-07T12:13:00.000-07:00

Most camps have a dance towards the end of the week. It's funny how a silly little event that we put on by simply pressing 'play' on an iPod can cause so much excitement in a group of kids! They get all nervous about who they like, whisper to each other about who's cute and who's not, but only the brave ones actually ask somebody to the dance. Matchmakers emerge, it's kinda funny to watch one go between two worthy candidates and next thing you know, another pair are going to the dance together. The expert matchmakers keep lists, I've seen it with my own eyes! One little girl will go up to the other and ask for some help, and the second girl will respond with "I'll get you Ryan, Trevor, or Carson, take your pick." They might even try to get two counselors to go together if they get confident!

This particular week I met a camper named Derrick who has Celiac Disease, which is intolerance to a protien found in wheat, rye, and barley called Gluten. It's not actually an allergy; the immune system goes on 'self-destruct' mode whenever this protein is present. It can be pretty severe; even food that's been exposed to something with flour can set of a reaction! Even though that week was designed for kids with Celiac Disease, they were so used to checking everything they ate that for the first few days they asked to double check if each food was gluten-free. Derrick and I got along pretty well - he was a pretty chill 9-year old who's in cub scouts and always participated in stuff. He showed interest in the Ukulele, and he picked up a few chords pretty fast! I asked if he was going to continue into Boy Scouts. He said no, that it would be really difficult to do campouts with his dietary needs. I took the opportunity to tell him about my journey with Tourette's, and how I continued with scouts anyway and ended up with my Eagle rank. It was like putting in a message in a bottle because you know that it's an important message but you have no way of knowing if anything will happen because of it.

Right before I left Chapel Hill to come down here, I bought this old suit that looks like it's at least thirty years old for ten bucks at a thrift store. It's gray plaid, and the pants come up to my stomach. Counselors at the dance are supposed to be a mix of party starters (too keep the kids from being glued to the walls) and 'room for Jesus' police (to keep the kids from being glued to each other). So naturally, I wore the suit. I also wore a black cap, rainbow suspenders, and an oversized bowtie for good measure.

I walked in a few minutes after the party started (I needed time to get changed!) and once the kids saw me they all started laughing and clapping. I made myself the life of the party, dancing super awkward to keep the mood fun. Right after I made my entrance, 9-year old Lucy (the camp matchmaker) marched up to me and snatched off my hat and bowtie. I watched as she went back to her date (Derrick), put the accoutrements on him, and proclaimed "See? Now you're cute!"

My accessories ended up in various places on various campers. I looked over to see Lucy in the bowtie and Derrick in my hat and jacket, dancing like middle schoolers - arms stretched as far as they could go, trying as hard as possible not make eye contact. I love kids!

Camp Twin Lakes VII

2010-06-06T19:27:00.000-07:00

One of the camps that came through here recently was a camp put on by a local healthcare organization. It was a study that put overweight children in an positive active environment with healthy food for a week, then follow up a couple months and see how they're doing. The hope is that the kids would all participate in the same physical activity available elsewhere, but would be doing it with other kids like them and would gain the confidence to join in activities back at home.

The dietitian was this intense little lady from somewhere in Europe. She planned foods like butternut-squash ravioli... things that under normal consensual circumstances would be fine and probably even delicious. However, when forced upon kids who were not used to these kinds of foods in the first place, it was not pretty. One girl was legitimately crying over the ravioli.

Just like in the movie Heavy Weights, the counselors had their stash of sweets. Since I lived in the staff cabins I did not need to hide it, but the poor volunteers who lived in the cabins did. There's a refrigerator in the dining hall that usually holds extra milk and stuff like that; this particular week it mysteriously contained piles of mozzarella cheese and bags of fun-sized candy bars. When nobody was looking, the counselors would sneak over to get their fix.

The last day of camp, Miss Tiff the dining hall director handed out cookies after dinner to all the kids. One asked if there was any milk; since it had all been put up since breakfast, she pointed him to the refrigerator in the corner. I knew what was in there, but I really wanted to see what was going to happen.

The little guy marched over to the refrigerator, and had his chubby little arm reaching for the door before one of the volunteers saw him. It was like a slow-motion action scene - the staffer yelled "NOOOOOO!!" at the top of her lungs and started shouting at the boy to stay away from the fridge. Other campers got the idea something good was in there, so they all got up and started moving across across the room, the fastest I had seen them go as a unit the whole week. The volunteer got up from her seat and started running; at that point it was just a battle of the wills. Somehow, she got to the refrigerator before it was actually ever opened. Throwing herself in front of the children like a human shield, she was able to get turn them away without them ever finding out what was in it.

Epic.

Camp Twin Lakes VI

2010-05-30T10:00:00.000-07:00

Hey everyone! This next week we have a camp that's low on volunteers and we'll be staying in the cabins with the kids, so my internet opportunities are going to be even more rare. I'll post a couple new pictures that should hold you over until my next blog opportunity!

Strugglin' during morning stretches

Fighting Albert the Alligator in the pool

The Weetles

Dead Battery

2010-05-27T20:39:00.000-07:00

Camp Twin Lakes V - SPIRIT CHECK!

2010-05-27T11:26:00.000-07:00

During meal times, we have a few different cheers. If someone yells "SPIRIT CHEEEECK!!!" then there's a pattern that everyone bangs on the table and has fun. It's fun, but can get old real quick if it's done so much you can't eat. There's also a call that makes an individual get up and shake their booty, and if the kids get creative you could end up doing the worm, dancing with a trashcan, or serenading somebody!

Roger is a camper who is no stranger to Camp Twin Lakes. He's been to several other camps which he qualifies for, and absolutely loves it. Roger had a brain injury that left him with limited mobility; he is in a wheelchair most of the time but can go short distances on crutches. Roger is a big fan of spirit checks and calls them at almost every opportunity. He often calls on people to do ridiculous things such as trashcan dancing or I'malittleteapoting. As much fun as he was having, I had a hard time imagining what would happen if he was called on to do something, and that maybe he was even safe from it.

Eventually, it happened. "Hey Roger! Shake your booty!" "no!" "shaake yoour boooty!" "NO!" (that's the script, btw) "SHAKE YOUR BOOTY!" "OKAY!" and with a big grin on his face, Roger pulled himself up in between two tables and wiggled along as everyone in the dining hall sang the song "Jump! shake your booty, Jump Jump shake your booty!"

During the Luau Party at the pool (one of our regular evening events here at Camp Twin Lakes), Roger decided that he wanted to try going down the water slide. Bear in mind, Roger pretty much has to stay against the wall of the shallow end propping himself up against the wall any time he's in the pool. He'd never been down a slide before in his life, and it was time. After putting him in a life-jacket, two staff members helped him up the stairs while one waited at the bottom of the slide. The whole pool turned to cheer him on, and I (who was filling in for the band that canceled last minute) made up a song about him going down the slide on the spot.

I could tell from the ground he was nervous, and getting in the slide seemed to be a challenge all in itself. When Kaz, my roommate, pushed him down the slide there was a silence across the pool as we waited for him to come out the bottom. Sure enough - Splash! - Roger came flying out the bottom into the arms of Ben, another roommate of mine. "THAT WAS AWESOME!!!" I heard him say.

Roger is a reminder that things like brain injuries and wheel chairs don't limit, they just pose new challenges. Roger's constant calling for people to check their spirits can be taken outside of the dining hall and the pool to everywhere in life. The next day, Roger went down the slide eleven times.

And then made me sing "I'm a Little Tea Pot" at dinner.

Loganville

2010-05-22T19:07:00.001-07:00

While driving to the camp where I currently work, I realized that I was very close to Loganville, the town where I had lived when I was about 4 to 7. A few days ago, I finally got the opportunity to go exploring with two other friends from camp. When we got to Loganville, and I called my mom to find the house where we lived. Aaaand we did!

Mom said the last time she was there, they were building a mansion behind it and using our old house as storage. Fortunately, the old house was still standing but it doesn't seem to be used anymore. The mansion itself is waay back and kind of hidden by a hill, but even still there's this big gaudy fence with lions all up on the front and signs that say things like "Caution - guard dog" and "Security Camera in use to aide the prosecution of theft." Sho nuff, there's a surveillance camera mounted on the corner of our old patio. Behind the house is a tree that I planted when I was five, it's really cool to see how it's grown!

The house I lived in when I was little

The tree I planted when I was five

We used to keep bunnies in this barn!

The big fanciness that is on the driveway now

Camp Twin Lakes IV

2010-05-22T14:49:00.000-07:00

Hey folks! I thought I'd post some pictures from camp twin lakes. A big thanks to Ted Denning for the pictures!

Getting helped up the wall

Going down the zipline

CTL Outdoor Adventure Staff - that's me at the top of the arc!

Playing with the Ceetles

(Camp Twin Lakes, CTL, Ceetles... get it??)

Singing 'Bo Diddly Man' at the talent show.

Camp Twin Lakes III

2010-05-19T19:30:00.000-07:00

Early on, I posted a link to a Bobby McFerrin thingy that I really liked. He tells the audience what pitches to sing by jumping different places on stage and then sings over top of that. I did that today with the staff of Twin Lakes and it went pretty well! I'm looking forward to trying it with campers.

Also, I've talked to various members of staff about Tourette's, it's always nice to spread awareness! It turns out that one of the staff here freakin KNOWS Brad Cohen! Like, she works with him! I'm so pumped for Twitch and Shout!

Peace ;)

Camp Twin Lakes II

2010-05-17T20:30:00.001-07:00

So I'm not sure if I'm going to come up with creative titles or just number posts. Whatevs!

So some history of Camp Twin Lakes, it was started as somewhat of union between a few special needs camps, such as Camp Sunshine (for children with cancer), Camp Kudzu (for children with diabetes), and others that needed a place to host their camps. The original facility was (is) in Rutledge, Georgia. Over the years demand grew and they expanded and took over Camp Will-A-Way, located in the Fort Yargo State Park in Winder, Georgia. Will-A-Way is smaller and not yet as established as Rutledge; in fact, this is only the second year of it's functioning as part of CTL. I was hired as the Music Guy (official title) at Will-A-Way, and part of that is integrating what they do musically at Rutledge into the Will-A-Way scene.

Training is being done jointly between the Rutledge and the Will-A-Way staffs this year. For the past couple of days I've been in Rutledge doing training over there, and tonight/tomorrow they're going to come to Will-A-Way for the rest of training. A few of the counselors at Rutledge have a band called the Ceetles (get it? CTL, Camp Twin Lakes...) and I got a chance to jump in with them. I played djembe (although I was prepared with electric guitar and clarinet), two others played guitar, one played piano, and one sang. Actually the keyboard player and one of the guitars all sang, they had a nice little harmony going on. We played "Love Is," "Party in the USA," and "Burnin' Up" for the other counselors and they loved it. I can't wait to play for the campers at Will-A-Way!

We also got a chance to hear from some of the camper's parents. It was a great chance to hear the struggles of serious illness from the parent's point of view, which is often forgotten. It also reminded us that what we do at camp is not just for the campers, but it also gives the parents a chance to rest. While listening to one parent who's child had a form of Muscular Dystrophy, I was reminded about my own journey with Tourette Syndrome and how much my parents did for me. I remember my mom told me once that she lost weight during the time I was getting diagnosed. Because she didn't eat. Because she was just that worried. I remembered what I felt when she told me that and my eyes started welling up in the middle of our training session! Afterwards, I went up and told the woman that she reminded me of my own mother and I asked to give her a hug since I couldn't hug mom. She consented and it was wonderful.

This summer is going to be incredible, I'll keep you posted the whole way through!

How Cool Being Cool Can Be

2010-05-14T20:28:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I went to Chick-fil-a for dinner. When I pulled up to the speaker box menu thing, the girl at the other end introduced herself as Christina and asked for my order. Having just learned about how to interact with people at camp training, I thought I'd make it interesting.

"Welcome to Chick-Fil-A my name is Christina how may I help you?"
"Hi Christina, my name is Michael!"
"Good to meet you!"
"You too! Can I please have a number three combo with a peach milkshake?"
"Okay! Your total is X please drive around!"
"Alrighty, I'm excited!"
"Yaay!"

When I drove around I got a big smile and a wave. The person bagging the food and tending the register also seemed to be in a particularly good mood too! I left feeling good, and I hope they did too. Sometimes, its fun to be the customer who goes the extra mile.

PS, I typed this all on my new blackberry. Cool, but definitely a one time only thing.
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Camp Twin Lakes

2010-05-13T06:50:00.000-07:00

This summer I got a job as an Outdoor Adventure Leader / Music Coordinator for a camp in Georgia called Camp Twin Lakes. It's a camp that caters to children with "severe illnesses and serious life challenges." Each week, a different partner organization hosts a camp meaning that each week we have a completely different set of kids with completely different needs. For example, Camp Weekaneatit is for children with Celiac's Disease, Camp High Five is for children who are HIV positive, and Camp Twitch and Shout is for kids with - you guessed it - Tourette Syndrome!

I got to camp on Monday and it's already Thursday. We've been doing training for ropes courses, and I've been learning to belay and work harnesses and hoist kids way high off the ground. I brought a lot of instruments with me and I can't wait to lead songs and stuff. Here's the banner for Twitch and Shout that's hanging in the dining hall:

I'll post again soon, I promise!

Graduation

2010-05-09T17:21:00.000-07:00

Today, the UNC's class of 2010 graduated! The commencement ceremony was interesting, John Grisham was the speaker, and a very entertaining one at that.

I also went to the music departmental graduation, which was nice and more intimate. Several Phi Mu Alpha brothers graduated with degrees in music, including Myron, Danny, Dave, and Ford. The guest speaker was Anthony Griffey, and he gave a very... "gifted"... speech. At one point in t ceremony the graduation choir sang 'Sleep' by Eric Whitacre, a performance that put in context of the day almost brought me to tears.

Here's a picture of four of us from the ceremony. Danny and Myron graduated, Patrick and Danny sang in the choir, and I sat in the audience.

Me, Danny, Myron, and Patrick at the music departmental graduation ceremony

The Semester of the Rainbow

2010-05-06T00:57:00.000-07:00

As a child, I grew up in a church that openly accepted individuals of all backgrounds. While this open statement is meant to be inclusive of all forms of diversity, everyone knew that it was particularly meant for gay (and otherwise non-heterosexual) people. I grew up being aware and understanding of the LGBTQ community and their issues, had a few gay friends, was a passive supporter of gay rights. I remember realizing early on that it must not be a choice; it would be a very silly choice for someone to make! They'd be consciously limiting their candidate pool and causing a bunch of potential controversy in their own life.

As a straight man, I'd not had many close encounters with the issue before. Nobody had ever come out of the closet to me before, nor had I had many deep conversations about it and what it means for that individual. This semester, four of my close friends came out.

Maybe I should be more specific, because 'coming out' is a different experience not only for each person but for each time they tell someone. 'Coming out' doesn't necessarily refer to the first time a person acknowledges their sexual orientation to someone else; even openly gay people can experience 'coming out' if they're telling someone new who didn't already know. Each of my friends had already come out for the first time to somebody else (close friends or family depending on the case), but I was one of the first of their friends to know. It is a very flattering experience to be trusted enough by someone for them to come out to you, and I want to share two of those (the second and the third) here on Music and Tourette's.

The first friend I want to write about is Danny. Danny pledged Phi Mu Alpha with me in the fall of 2009. We became particularly close while both learning to play trumpet together in the Marching Tar Heels. Danny and I had a tendency to laugh at everything, and laughter from one of us can get the other going like no other. We developed a very close friendship (in fact, we recently participated in a psychology study about how close friends interact!) One night after a band gig, Danny was driving me back home when he said (I'm paraphrasing) "I have something I should tell you:" after some hesitance he said (and here I quote): "I think I might be gay."

Now - at the time, my focus was drawn not to the 'gay' part but rather to the 'might be' part. I racked my brains for ways to have meaningful conversation about the 'might be,' because I assumed it was something he was trying to figure out. Since I didn’t really have any experience or anything to share, I couldn’t think of anything to say. Danny took my silence to mean that I was uncomfortable, and poor guy called me the next day to apologize for "freaking me out." :)

Later, I talked about it with my supervisor who is an openly gay man and an advocate for the LGBTQ community. He told me that people sometimes use 'might be' as a safety statement when they're first coming out. He said that when he was coming out, he used to tell people that he might be bi, even though he "knew damn well" he was gay. That conversation helped me realize what Danny needed from me as a friend – and more importantly, what he didn’t need.

In fact, Danny had no question about his preference and had already come out comfortably to his family and a few friends. He later explained that his nervousness was more about telling me personally. We had gotten so close as friends and it never came up that he was worried that the new information might not go over well with me. It didn’t really bother me at all, mostly because I had never really attributed any sexuality to Danny in the first place – therefore, when he came out, I was just learning more about him and not changing any thoughts I had about him before.

The next person who came out was Jill, also a trumpet player in the Marching Tar Heels. I had a crush on her all through fall semester and into spring. I had always been kinda shy around her, but I finally asked her to go to a dance performance with me at Memorial Hall; even though she had specified it was "just as friends," that didn’t change the fact that in my mind it was a date!

We had a good time at the show, and afterwards we went to get pizza at Artichoke Basil on Franklin Street. After a while of solid conversation, I noticed she seemed to have something on her mind. It was the same look she often had during band and around campus, the same look in fact that had attracted me to her in the first place. It was a look of introspection, one of silently enormous contemplation. I asked her what was on her mind, and after warning me of the intensity of the following statement, she said she had just gotten out of a big relationship. That was it? Whew! Relieved that I was simply going to be a rebound, I asked her to tell me about him.

"Well..." she said, "her name was Ellen."

Lots of things ran through my head, and being caught off guard I went into automatic RA mode - I asked how she felt about it, talked to her about campus resources, and so on. We were both understandably nervous; I was one of the first people that she had come out to that wasn't a close friend or family, and I had just found out why it really was just friends. The more we talked about it, the more both of us relaxed and felt more comfortable. At one point during the dinner, something she said reminded me of Danny. They seemed to be in very similar circumstances, so I told her about him. She was surprised - "Danny? You mean Trumpet Danny??" The night ended with happy feelings and a hug.

Over the next couple weeks we talked, hung out, and texted each other super often. It was one of the fastest and deepest friendships I've experienced! I tell her all the time (although she still doesn't believe me) that although things didn't turn out like I had expected, it was the best date I've been on. It was in fact the inspiration for my second stand up comedy attempt. It may seem strange to make public jokes about something that just happened, but of course I ran it by her first and looking back I think that being able to laugh it off so quickly really helped us both in the long run. We’re still really good friends – watch this video we made a couple nights ago!

Shortly after our 'date,' the three of us (Danny, Jill, and myself) decided to dinner together at Noodles & Co. It was awkward at first, but Danny started conversation like a pro and it all went marvelously from there. Now the three of us are super close - when we're around each other, we go by Otis, Marvin, and Gretchen (it's a running joke dontcha know) and do all sorts of randomness – that is, as much as Otis and I can convince Gretchen to do!

Otis, Marvin, and Gretchen

I feel so incredibly honored that both of them would share such an important part of themselves with me, and lucky that they did it at almost the same time. Just by talking, both Jill and Danny have felt increasingly more comfortable with being open about who they are. I feel a strong connection with their paths, because I think that having Tourette's can have a similar social effect. Both being gay and having Tourette's involve being born with a certain difference that is often misunderstood. In fact, I sometimes think of it as 'coming out' when I have to figure out how to tell someone nicely that I have Tourette's.

I look forward to our friendship developing more in the future! I continue to be amazed by the deep ties and connections made with people, especially those made through music and Tourette's.

Changes

2010-05-05T23:14:00.001-07:00

Made this little graphic and set it as the background to my computer. Makes me stop every time.

Where are you from?

2010-04-22T18:57:00.000-07:00

The other day, I happened to sit next to a classmate who appears to be living with some sort of psychological or psychiatric issues. I happened to notice the front of her notebook, on which was printed this sentence:

"Where I am from, this is considered normal behavior."

Just seeing that sparked so much within me, I feel I could write a book. Instead, I'll just pass it on and let you create your own meaning.

The Right to Remain Silent

2010-03-21T19:36:00.000-07:00

(This is a monologue about Tourette's inspired by others I heard today about racial equality)

I have Tourette Syndrome, a neurological condition that causes me to make involuntary movements or make involuntary noises called tics.

I've had to say that so many times. Sometimes I have to say it because something awkward happens; sometimes because I can just see people wanting to ask but just can't. It's so relieving when you meet someone that CAN ask! It's unbelievable how many can't.

Whenever I tell a new person about my disorder there's always a moment - a moment of waiting, waiting for the next tic to come. Waiting for my Tourette's to bubble up again and prove it's existence, waiting to see what they have to say in response. Sometimes they tell me that they never would have noticed, or that it's not that bad. Some even ask me if I've ever tried to stop! Oh, how I have.

You know what really gets me, though? It gets me when people think that what they see in movies and on TV is real - or even worse, funny. People tell me all the time that I should yell things just so that I can blame it on my Tourette's and get away with it. Some even have the nerve to tell me they wish they had Tourette's just so that they could do that!

But I am stronger than that because I know how special stillness is. Every second of silence that I get to spend in my ever-moving body is a gift; every single chosen word a blessing. I appreciate how wonderful it is to say "shit" or "bitch" when only that one word fits the situation. And to those people, I mean it with every single ounce of my voluntary being when I choose to say: Fuck you.

It is my right to cope to my Tourette's how I choose to. It is my right to not explain why I tic or how it feels if I choose not to. It is my right, but not my privilege, to remain silent.

Tourette's Stand Up, Round 2!

2010-02-24T13:59:00.000-08:00

Hello friends! Remember the stand up comedy that I did a year ago? Well the same Lewis Black competition came around again, and of course I signed up and gave it another go. My goal this time was similar to my goal the first time, which was to tell jokes about Tourette Syndrome in a way that created positive advocacy. This time, I wanted to do the same, but to also broaden the spectrum and talk about not letting differences hold someone back. I think I could have chosen words a little bit better to get that point across clearer, but I'm still happy with the final product.

Poppa K

2010-02-09T19:52:00.000-08:00

The Carolina Union Activities Board recently put on the third annual Air Guitar Competition. The object of the competition is to pantomime playing playing guitar and to get into rocker character and go crazy. There were about seven participants, two of which were PMA brothers. They competed under the names "Mystery Meat" and "Prisoner 2013100" (Prisoner 2 for short). In the first round of competition, the contestants performed a 60-second bit they had rehearsed and prepared. For the second round, they were given a clip they had not heard beforehand and had to play along.

In the small group that showed up (it was snowing that day), most people were aware of an older couple in the audience who seemed to be having just as good a time as the students. They were... I'm guessing in their sixties? Anyway. After the last round of the competition, the emcee asked the couple "So... do you guys have a kid here or something?" The man responded no. "You just walked in off the street?" Something like that. "Do you wanna give it a shot?" Of course! "What's your rocker name?" A brief pause... then the man replied:

"My name. Is Poppa K."

He got up on stage, took of his shoes, picked up his invisible guitar and strapped it over his shoulder. He gave the cue to the sound guy and the music began. Where the other air guitar players had gone wild, Poppa K took it slow and worked the guitar soft and smooth. The song was a sort of fountain of youth for him as he got more and more into it. The crowd went wild; college kids always love seeing people their parent's age doing the dumb shit they find fun! The song drew to a close and in a brilliant flash of youthfulness, Poppa K surprised everyone by jumping off the three-foot stage toward the judges. As he landed, the thud echoed through the stunned silence in the room. Once the crowd realized he had not been seriously injured, they cheered and applauded and went crazier than they had for any of the other participants!

"Did you hurt your foot doing that?" asked the emcee.

"Oh hell yes I did!" Poppa K responded as he limped across the audience to his wife.

At the end of the air guitar competition, they played 'Free Bird' and invited everyone to air-guitar along.

Mystery Meat won the competition, the prize for which was a $100 check. I gotta say, Prisoner 2 gets special kudos for staying in a very difficult character for a period of about three hours, much of that time being spent in a straight jacket! Myself and three other PMA guys helped Poppa K get to his car after the competition. He said that if he could have done it again, he would've jumped off the stage again, too. He had a blast - and you know what? I did too. Here's some pics I lifted from Facebook:

Mystery Meat

Prisoner 2

The Emcee, Paul, Me, Stanley, Poppa K, and Mystery Meat rockin out to Free Bird

Let's Talk Tourette's

2010-01-27T19:53:00.000-08:00

Today I had my first real public speaking gig about Tourette Syndrome. With the help of two other RAs, I put on a building-wide program called "Let's Talk Tourette's." We set up the Game Room so that there were sofas and chairs available sort of semi-circled around an arm chair which I sat in. I didn't have much planned to say, but everything came out very naturally anyway. I told the group about my history, and a little bit about the disorder itself. I explained that I find people tend to have questions about my Tourette's, but often don't feel comfortable knowing if it's appropriate to ask. I told them that no question was to personal, too big, or too small. I was asked some very good questions, which usually lead very long answers.

Twenty-seven people came out to hear me talk, which I think was a good number. A couple PMA brothers and even an alumni came to support me, as well as a couple friends who didn't live in the building. To me, I felt there were a lot of people present, maybe even uncomfortably so; but later, even people who who were sitting in the back said they felt it was a very relaxed and intimate experience.

I can't wait until next time!

New Guys

2010-01-26T11:03:00.000-08:00

It's that time of year when Phi Mu Alpha is beginning the pledge process for a group of new guys. In fact, official installation of the potentials to probationary members is tonight! I wanted to write about an incredible experience involving both the potentials and the brothers. On Saturday, we delivered bids (which are formal invitations to join PMA as a probationary member aka pledge) and asked them to meet us in the Hill Hall auditorium at 10:00 PM if they wished to accept the offer. As it got close to 10:00, I hitched a ride to Hill Hall in a carfull of brothers and potentials. The energy between everyone was tangible, as everyone was curious to see who was going to be there!

When we got to Hill, the group I rode up with stood in the rotunda outside the auditorium chatting with some brothers. I thought I heard faint singing coming from the auditorium, but I couldn't see anyone in there. When I went to investigate, I found a group of about four or five brothers and a potential or two standing around a brother playing piano backstage. They were singing "Piano Man" which carries significance to my own pledge class. I joined in, and as the song progressed more and more joined in. By the end of the song, there were probably twenty to thirty men all standing with their arms around each other, belting out "SING US A SONG, YOU'RE THE P'ANO MAN!!!" It was a great bonding experience having everyone join in like that!

After a while we all congregated on the stage and began to discuss where we were going to eat for dinner to celebrate. For some reason that's still unknown to me, somebody started clapping a rhythm; it was a rhythm similar to the one in John Fogerty's song, Centerfield. Somebody started clapping the off beats, and I started making sixteenth notes in between the eighth notes. The next thing you know, everyone was clapping and stomping their own rhythm. It was an impromptu drum circle, and everyone had a blast just playing whatever rhythm came to them. It went on for several long energy-filled minutes. When it finally fizzled out, everyone applauded each other and asked "What the hell was that, what just happenened!?"

I'm excited to begin the pledge process with these guys, we have a really impressive group of guys. I think that the two spontaneous musical events that happened up on that stage show just how strong of a music fraternity Phi Mu Alpha Sinfonia is, and what it always will be.

Friends

2010-01-20T11:52:00.000-08:00

At this point in the new semester, I’ve had a lot of interesting interactions with people. Most importantly, I’ve had some very deep and moving one-on-one conversations with a two friends and a two Phi Mu Alpha brothers about life. These people have shown me very deep and very personal parts of their lives; until they told me, I hadn’t realized the significance that I have in their lives, and they in mine.

I am in the process of planning a somewhat large discussion about Tourette Syndrome on the 27th in the building where I’m an RA. I am inviting people to come hear my story and ask questions; “no question is too big, too small, or too personal.” Usually when the subject of Tourette’s comes up in conversation, people are very interested and have a lot of questions to ask, so I believe that the event will be a success. This will give people a venue to ask a lot of the questions they’ve always wondered and fix misperceptions they may have, and I’m glad for the opportunity!

In the process, certain characteristics of people have bubbled to the surface that I’ve been surprised to see. I remember having a conversation with someone when I first developed TS about the social implications. This person (I think it may have been my mother, but I don’t remember) said in a positive way “I bet this will show you who your true friends are.” At the time, the statement disturbed me because it hadn’t really crossed my mind that any of my friendships would change because of my newly acquired movement disorder; and as much as I can remember, none of them really did.

However, I am reminded of this statement at this point in time not because I recognize who my “real friends” are, but I recognize which ones are mature and which ones have some catching up to do. In high-school, it was common for people to suggest that I fake TS symptoms such as coprolalia for fun (the one time I faked for fun ended up being a bad experience, but that’s a completely different story). That doesn’t happen much in college anymore, especially since I treat both my TS and myself with more respect and understanding than I did in high school.

The vast majority of people at UNC are willing to accept my TS the way that I present it to them, which is that it is a serious neurological disorder and the best way to react to it is to ignore it when possible and avoid it in conversation, unless there is a legitimate question about it. It’s very disappointing to me when someone doesn’t follow those basic customs, which to me seem inherent for any disability. Usually I’m willing to be understanding if someone makes an accidental joke or misinterpretation, but there are two things that really do offend me.

One I’ve already mentioned, when someone suggests that I curse during a “funny” time, such as in class, at somebody, etc. This tells me a few things about a person; they may or may not be true, but they probably are. First, they think naughty words are funny for the sake of vulgarity. Normally, curse words are offensive because of the strong meaning they imply; therefore, if said involuntarily they have no meaning. It’s like trying to start a fight with someone by pretending to punch someone but stopping an inch from their face and saying “just kidding – gotcha, though!” This person also misses the fact that TS just doesn’t feel good. People with TS pretty much just want it to stop already! Why make more tics than are already there? In fact, blurting noises or curse words in class is something that I have a good deal of anxiety over, and something that almost happens on almost a daily basis. So no, I will not blurt out curse words “for fun.”

The second offensive thing is when somebody assumes that I’m going to blame my TS for something silly but voluntary (I’ll admit that I’ve done it before in jest, but every time afterwards I feel like such a – for lack of a better word- whore). I’ll give an example that happened recently while having lunch with a friend. We were talking very casually, and I noticed that I was using a lot of curse words. Referencing that, I said a string of them in a very conversational way. The friend looked at me disapprovingly and said something along the lines of “oh what, so now you have cursing Tourette’s?” Perhaps this was a confusing situation for the friend, but I was taken off guard. I hadn’t been even thinking about my TS at all since the conversation began, so for him to suggest that I was going to make a joke about it hit a soft spot.

Since I’ve had the educational program coming up, so far I’ve been able to respond to two of these situations by inviting them to the program to learn more. It’s perfect, because the person realizes that I want them to learn more, and they feel obligated to come. Even if they don’t come, I still got my point across. With nothing else left to say, I’ll part with an approximate quote from the Hallmark movie about Tourette Syndrome, Front of the Class:

“The point of education is to wipe out ignorance with knowledge.”

Talking to Faith

2010-01-13T08:32:00.001-08:00

So I got a webcam recently so that I can video-message people. A few days ago, I called Faith, a girl in Georgia who has Tourette's who I met on Facebook. We talked for about an hour about random things, life and Tourette's and such.

Tourette's affect is mainly an audio/visual one. That is, TS causes a problem because other people SEE or HEAR the tics and react based on that. I've not yet met anybody else face-to-face with Tourette's, so being able to see somebody else was an incredible experience!

So if anyone else has Skype, give me a call! michael.crosa is my Skype name.

Matthew

2010-01-03T19:08:00.000-08:00

I was in the Atlanta Airport yesterday, on my way to see family Orlando. I had my laptop open, but wasn't really doing anything on it. A man sat a few seats over brought his laptop over and sat next to me. He was somewhere in his thirties, African-(newly)American, wearing a very nice tan overcoat, and had a wide and endearing smile. He asked if I new how to connect to the internet, and opened his new-looking Mac on his lap. We eventually figured out that the Hartsfield-Jackson charges like five dollars for something for twenty minutes internet, but that's not really the point of the story anyway.

He noticed that my computer's background image was music, something my friend Maressa had helped me choose only a week or so before. He told me he plays keyboard and clarinet and that he directs a choir in Charlotte NC, and that he was on his way to a global choir convention (or something like that) in Orlando.

Ironically we ended up sitting close to each other on the plane, but not close enough to converse.

I ran into him during the ritualistic trek of passengers to the baggage claim, where we struck up conversation again. I found out that's he's from Ghana, in West Africa. I told him I had a friend (Maressa) who studies Ugandan music - he liked to hear that, and said good things about Ugandan musicians.

His story is amazing. He was a musician in Ghana, and had visited America a couple times. On his second visit, he was invited to be the choir director for a Methodist Church in Charlotte. He's now lived here for about six years, his wife and daughter moved to the country four years ago, and He began to talk about how wonderful America is, a professing his love for the country. His big smile grew even wider as he talked about the amazing opportunities available to our citizens, especially for him and his family. He seemed very proud of his English; it was apparent that he was working very hard to learn and improve.

His subject shifted to religion as he talked about what is possible with the power of God. I could see many powerful feelings come over him as he testified to me the power of Jesus Christ. At first I was a little surprised that he didn't ask about my religion, but in retrospect it was nice, really. He was simply telling me the power of his beliefs, not trying to convert me or anything like that.

It was an awesome experience talking to a man actively improving the life his family. It was also great to be reminded of the amazing benefits of living in America, especially with the anti-American sentiments floating in from around the world and even the constant criticisms of our own government coming from the inside. I think we could all benefit from meeting more people like Matthew in our lives.

Words of Wisdom From Severine Neff

2009-12-07T10:42:00.001-08:00

Today, I went to talk to a professor about my performance in her class. I had not been doing as well as I know I could have been, and because I often ended up coming to class late or turning in homework late for various reasons, I wanted to apologize. I went to her office and explained there had been some complicated things happening this semester and that she really was one of my favorite professors (I've even mentioned her in my blog before!)

She seemed surprised, and hadn't recognized any of the problems I was apologizing for; in fact she thought I was looking a lot better than the beginning of the semester when I looked exhausted and worn out every day! She said that it was clear that I understood the material and that's what she cared about most. She said things happen in life, and you just go on, it's nothing to worry about. As you get older you just get better at handling them... or not even, you just learn to handle them and life goes on. Then she said something very powerful - I'll do my best to quote: "Things in life often don't make sense... that's why we study music theory, because it can't be explained." This was so powerful to hear from someone who I think is so incredibly intelligent about music, and I just had to write about it so that it wouldn't be forgotten.

The Story of Crosasaurus Rex

2009-12-06T20:54:00.000-08:00

Hello Hello!! Tonight I performed 'The Story of Crosasaurus Rex' for the Music 143 class. I don't have the video footage from the actual dealio ready yet, but I'll tell ya what happened: I showed videos on the screen while I sorta stood there/acted it out. There was a little story line that went along with it. Here are the three videos I used, one of which you've seen before and two are totally brand new!!

Crosasaurus Rex

2009-12-04T20:34:00.001-08:00

I have officially adopted a persona, and that is Crosasaurus Rex. I will be performing as such on Sunday for the first time; wish me luck! Here's the lyrics to a song I wrote for the character:

Less Than Love

Crosasaurus Rex, 10/26/09

Look at those two people,

Huddled with their arms

Embracing each other.

Look at those two people.

Battling the lonely cold,

They only have their bodies

To keep them warm,

Battling the lonely cold.

++++++

Can two people truly share

Warmth against the chill,

Can two people share warmth?

When she looks at him,

What does she see?

When he looks at her,

Is all he sees only

Warmth against the chill?

+++++++

Is this love, or is it less?

Does this satisfy my hunger?

Is this love, or is it less?

Can I do this any longer?

But it’s cold and lonely

In the deep dark night,

Can I do this any longer,

Is this less than love?

+++++++

When they listen, what do they hear?

Wrapped together in music,

Together in music, what do they hear?

Melodies and harmonies,

They solo together in unison.

What will happen next?

They silently wonder aloud.

+++++++

Is this love, or is it less?

Will this quench my thirst?

Is this love, or is it less?

Do I feel better or feel worse?

But it’s so cold and lonely

In the deep dark night,

Do I feel better or feel worse?

+++++++

Is this less than love?

Two lovers sat on a park bench,

With their bodies touching.

Too old for play,

Too young to die,

Together they’ll try

To make it to heaven.

Impulse Control

2009-11-26T08:37:00.000-08:00

I'm sitting at the Raleigh Durham Airport, waiting for my flight out to Cincinnati. I'm going to meet up with my parents and family up there for Thanksgiving (which is today). I've been rather twitchy lately it seems. My tics seem a bit stronger in trying to break to the surface. It's hard to find a pattern with these damn things, but I think I got it figured out now. I experience more tics when I'm upset about something that happened related to Tourette's. The more I think about the situation and how frustrated I am with both my TS and people's reactions to it, the more I twitch.

I often forget that TS is misunderstood even by friends. The of closest friends often say they forget I even have TS, or will mention they haven't noticed me tic even though I've totally been twitching, they're just so used to it they don't notice. It's the medium friends that I'm talking about; the ones you see on a regular basis (say, in class) but don't really hang out with much.

Now I'm known among friends for being the wacky, random, unpredictable one. That's a personality trait, not a product of TS. The other day in music theory class I was having a conversation with a friend, when I doodled something silly (a penis) on her paper. She got kinda pissed (understandably) and began to erase it. I said "my bad... you know me, no impulse control." She replied with something along the lines of "there you go, blaming your Tourette's." I was confused at first, but realized she was talking about the impulse control comment.

When I get upset I usually get quiet (which sucks) and that's what happened here. Impulse control implies some quick idea you get but keep from doing, or at least that's how I understand it. She made the connection of Tourette's, which is false. Is that what people think of Tourette's? Like the father in Front of the Class, is the thought that "Tourette's" means that these are little jokes, little things that could be controlled with concentration? I know that not everybody thinks that, but I've known this person for so long, could she really think that I want to shake my head, twitch my arms, and do all that stuff? Does she think I think it's funny? I don't know, I just don't get it. I guess I'll talk to her about it.

Rent

2009-11-14T19:56:00.000-08:00

Today I saw the musical "Rent," performed by Company Carolina at Forest Theater at UNC. Members of the cast included my community director (boss) as Mark, a friend as Joanne, and a fellow RA as well as a Phi Mu Alpha brother in the ensemble. The production was amazing, and yours truly even began to tear up at a few places!! It was performed in an amphitheater - I was uncertain of the quality of the show when I heard the venue, but it ended up working very well. Sometimes the audio was a bit off; the band had a tendency to overpower the vocalists.

Earlier today was the last home football game of the season. We defeated Miami - I would tell you the score but quite frankly I'm there for the music not the football so I don't even remember! It was fun, and going to see Rent was a perfect way to end the day.

Shalom!

Drum Circle!

2009-10-28T18:54:00.000-07:00

Today was the most AMAZING THING HAPPENED EVARRR OMG!!

RAs put on monthly programs to benefit the residents of the building. Typically these programs have an educational or social theme to them. This month, my program was a Drum Circle! With help and funding from Community Government, I got my friend and teacher Matt Savage, the UNC Marching Percussion instructor and nationally known drum guru, to lead a drum circle with residents. We set out about thirty chairs, and Matt brought enough drums and other percussion for upwards of sixty or seventy. He brought everything from djembes to cowbells to paddle drums to tambourines - it was incredible. Everybody had a great time letting loose! We estimated that within an hour of drum circle, between seventy and a hundred people played drums at any point (many people stopped by for a few minutes and left), and just as many or even more enjoyed the music and danced from the building. A lot of people showed up, including a reporter from the Daily Tar Heel.

That's Matt in the center. I'm in the bright yellow shirt and

light blue hat on the bottom part of the circle, on the outer row.

This was super exciting to me because the reaction was so absolutely positive. Many of the Community Government members and other RAs told me this was the best turnout to a program they had seen! I think that what added to the program's success was it's easy-going and loud nature. People walking from Ram's Head to any other south campus dorm passed us, and could join if they wanted to. It was so epic.

After the drum circle was over, I went up to Matt to thank him for putting on such an awesome event. I was so overwhelmed with the success of the event that I could barely even say anything; I think I said "Thank you so much for.... that was.... I just... I'm soo.....ecstatic that I can't... I can't even make good sentences!!!"

What was amazing to me was how everybody knew exactly what to do once they got started. Yeah, people were shy, but once they started playing, the rhythm took over. Everyone was able to find and keep the beat. Even with so many people playing, the music didn't rush or drag. Matt did a great job of communicating with the group what to play, even though he never actually explained what he meant. For example, when Matt jumped, everyone knew to hit the drum really loudly - he never explained, everybody just knew. As a 'grand finale,' Matt had everybody stand up and come into the center while drumming - it was this intense jumble of human connection, because people in the group didn't necessarily know each other, but all were contributing to the same music. It was such an exhilarating experience not only to be a part of but also to be able to put that on. I hope there's a next time!

Where the Wild Thangs At?

2009-10-24T21:04:00.000-07:00

Fall break is this weekend, and I've got fun stuff to report!

Thursday was the first full day of break, and it was spent almost entirely with the marching band. I woke up about half an hour late (again) to a distressed call from my section captain and close fraternity brother, Dave. I got there in time for the sound-check in the stadium, which consisted of standing in place while the sound technician got things set up for the band, Liquid Pleasure, that we were backing up at half-time.

Afterwards, my buddy Schmitty came over and helped me loft my bed. We put the mattress just as high as it would go! See, I hope to counter my oversleeping problem by hiding my bed from myself. I rearranged my desk and drums and other stuff in a very space-efficient way. I also discovered how to plug my amp directly into my computer for recording purposes... do you see as much potential as I do?!? Exciting things to come.

After that I went to the football game, which went fine. ESPN was filming the game and I almost (did) missed a step-off watching the spider-like Skycam gizmo zip over my head! The half-time show was pretty cool, we hosted the Chapel-Hill rooted band Liquid Pleasure. They're a party band that's made it pretty big along the East Coast, and have been around for almost thirty years. They did vocals while we played the rest, and it was a pretty good show. They came out in Carolina Blue sequin coats, which was simultaneously awesome and comical! Oh yeah, and there was football there, too. It was a really good game... for the other team. I don't really know first hand what happened because - let's face it - I'm only there for the band! Yeah.

The next day (Friday) my bed proved successful, as I forgot to turn off my 8:00 alarm: I stayed up since getting back in bed would be more effort than it was worth. I had a nice, uneventful day... I went to Ye Olde Waffle Shoppe, a place I'd wanted to go for a long time with another RA, Anish. I went to the gym for like the third time in my life ever with Bruce, after which we met up with Noah and a guy I hadn't met before to eat at [B]Ski's, where I proceeded to make lame jokes to the waitress.

Mom picked me up that night and we checked into a hotel in Raleigh. We were going to go camping, but the weather was just too depressing for that. Today (by which I mean Saturday) we spent the day at the NC Museum of Natural Science, which was AWESOME!! I LOVE going to museums with Mom, we're both as nerdy as a high-school science teacher and her offspring!

Oh wait...

CROSASAURUS REX ATTACK, AAAGGHHHH!!!!!

Before we went to the Museum, we went to this awesome place called Big Ed's, where I drank a bit too much coffee (it was sooo good!) At the museum this made my tics rather strong. I was a little nervous with all the little kids around for two reasons; either a rare coprolalic outburst would create a very awkward situation, or - more likely - I would whack one of them in the face with my audio-tour! No worries though, the angst of the TS was far outweighed by the sheer magnitude of visiting a huge science museum with Mom! Did I mention she's a high-school science teacher?

After the museum, we decided to go relive a bit of my childhood by going to see Where the Wild Things Are (spoilers ahead). It started out fine, by showing a harsh reality that the protagonist (Max) lived in. There was perhaps a bit too much with this reality - a stressed out single mother with a boyfriend who didn't know when to keep out of a tense family moment, an apathetic sister hanging out with like, four dudes... yeah. So whatever, I was waiting for the good part where he hangs out with all the Wild Things. After a terrifying (yet clearly imagined) boat-trip to the island, Max encounters a group of Wild Things who are frustrated with their current situation. They make him his king, everything seems close to the book, and I'm getting excited with this real-life rendition of happy childhood memories. Unfortunately it took a really dark turn and instead of being an imaginative escapist delight, it became a chilling reminder that human faults and imperfections are inescapable, even in one's own imagination. The book ended with things wrapping up in a positive ending, but the movie ended with things in a pile of depressing loose ends. After the movie, Mom and I went to Borders to read the real book again and restore my childhood.

So after our adventures in Raleigh, mom and I took a trip by the Food Lion to get some ice cream (which we devoured at the hotel) and now she's asleep and I'm blogging. Tomorrow we're planning on going to a state park or something along those lines to make some of the camping food that she brought but that we ended up not using. I'm really happy now, things are going well.

Thanks for reading!

Performance Concept

2009-10-19T12:09:00.000-07:00

In the traditional performance context, a performer plays a piece of music to a large audience. Because of the nature of the concert venue, part of the meaning of the song could be lost. For example if the song is about love, the audience can appreciate the song that the performer's playing and even sympathize with the feelings expressed. However, it is unlikely that either the performer or the audience is literally experiencing what the song is about as it is being performed. I would like to propose two changes to this model while specifically leaving others the same. This is an idea I've been tinkering with for a while and would like to experiment a little bit.

First, instead of playing to a large, possibly anonymous audience (from the perspective of the performer), I want to reduce the audience size to one, two at the very most. This way the connection between the performer and the listener is exponentially more intimate. There would be a higher pressure on the musician, while the listener would appreciate the music so much more as it is intended only for them.

Second, instead of the audience and performer sitting together simply listening to the set that the performer has planned, the performer plans the set around what they anticipate the audience member doing at the time. The music will serve as a 'live soundtrack' so to speak. Put in context, the music would have a much greater meaning than if taken out of context. An example of this would be playing music while somebody is falling asleep, walking to class, or driving in the car.

This is different than just playing songs for somebody while they happen to be in the car or falling asleep. The songs are planned, practiced, and arranged ahead of time to give a unique performance. Ideally, the audience member would forget the individual who is performing and appreciate the music in that context. In that sense, it is like a traditional concert because the personal elements of the performer are overcome by the persona of the performance.

I think I've jumbled a bunch of confusing ideas together here, so let me explain in a nutshell. I'll use the falling asleep example, because that's the most relevant to me. I would plan out and practice certain songs to play (on guitar) and sing to somebody as they're falling asleep. The room and the person falling asleep would be part of the art in itself. If all goes as planned, the audience member would be asleep before the end of the performance. Then, the performer would pack up and leave without a word. If the two people involved wanted to discuss the performance, it would be the next day and not immediately afterwards.

What do ya think?

Homework Frustration

2009-10-19T01:29:00.000-07:00

So it's 4:30AM, and I have a confirmed case of "Sundaynightitis," meaning I doodled around all through last week and this weekend and now I have to stay up late to get it all done in time. Oops, it happens. I'm still having trouble with my sleep schedule, I'm going to really focus on that this week. Goal: get to bed at 11:45 every night, and be up and OUT OF BED by 7:30 AM.

I just finished a take-home music theory exam. It's mainly on chromatic modulations through various keys. It's really cool to type the progressions out on the computer and hear what they sound like. It's awesome to have the power to whip through tonalities like it's no big deal - it sounds so fluid and carefree but there's so much work that goes into writing these progressions. It's awesome!

Unfortunately my TS is very present at the moment. I'm very aware of the fact that while most people in my current situation would be fighting only sleep to get their work done, but my battle is with simply staying still. My muscles are getting achy teeth are beginning to hurt from all the pressure I keep putting on them. My tics have been following a pattern where I'll go dormant for a half a second: my eyes close and I can't move anything. It's the calm before the storm; then a completely unpredictable tic rips through my body. Sometimes it's a (relatively) simple body jerk, sometimes my body heaves and it feels like I'm going to throw up!

A few hours ago I went to Abby, my RA Mentor, to calm down a little bit and relieve some stress. I hung out with her and another RA for a while, laughing and having a good time. It really helped to have a break like that! I love where I live and the people around me, I can't imagine it any other way.

After finishing my Music Exam I thought I'd write a little bit about what's going on before finishing up my Computer Programming, which explains this post. Anyway, I have a few things to write about once I get caught up with work, so more to come soon. Shalom!

The Next Day

2009-10-09T11:04:00.000-07:00

I've got some good followup on my last post, as well as a little bit of clarification.

Now that my room is back in order and I've got an organized living space, I feel confident in picking up and going. I feel much more stable in daily life, waking up on time and getting to sleep at a reasonable hour. I would liken it to a stumble - you're off balance for a bit and it's not looking good, but then you quickly get your footing again and keep going. Remember that step I talked about in My Tourette's History Part III? I feel that I'm still going in that same direction. I'm not sure I can describe what direction I'm going in, or how to truly describe it if I did know.

One thing that I do know is that I'm in a new stage of life in terms of living and coping with my Tourette's. I feel more comfortable with who I am, and I feel less of a need to tell everybody and inform everybody and talk about it all the damn time. In fact, today I got a haircut. This may not seem significant, but for someone who moves their head spastically at unpredicted times, haircuts are rather intimidating! Today was the first time I got a haircut (done by somebody other than my mother) without warning the barber unnecessarily about my TS. In the past it hasn't really done anything other than confuse the person and it doesn't really do much to prevent the haircut from tic interference. Today, I didn't feel like telling the guy, so I didn't! It all worked out fine, except that I'm not really sure I like the haircut itself, because it kinda reminds me of the redneck guys from back home. The moral of that story is that old dudes are supposed to cut other old dudes's hair (I was the only one in there who wasn't balding). Women know what look good on men, and are more likely to deliver a good-looking hair cut. Or at least, that's my inference based on a single experience. Haircut:

As for the clarifaction of IFS4Y Day. CuteWithChris.com is a favorite blog of mine. He generally posts user-submitted pictures of themselves and their pets, as well as uploading a video update every so often. It's hard to describe really, because it's his somewhat cynical and snarky humor applied to various things that makes it so great. You should def check it out, although watch his YouTube videos first because they're more entertaining.

Often times people send him pictures of them after they hurt themselves or something along those lines, hoping for him to display their pictures out of pity. When people send him stuff like that, he generally makes fun of them and reminds them that International Feel Sorry For Yourself Day isn't until May 11th. In the video I linked, he starts complaining about his show, cuts himself off and says "Oh! I forgot - save it for International Feel Sorry For Yourself Day!" I included this reference in my last post sort of as a reminder to myself to stop worrying about it, because it's not May 11th! It's unnacceptable to feel sorry for yourself - unless, of course, it's International Feel Sorry For Yourself Day!!!

System Reset

2009-10-07T23:59:00.000-07:00

Hello friends, I haven't posted in a while!

I've had a lot going on in my personal and academic life lately. I've been skipping classes, not doing homework, staying awake when I should be sleeping and sleeping when I shouldn't, and now that I think about it I haven't been eating on a regular schedule, either. An issue that's kept me offline is that my computer is all screwy, and even though Dell has replaced pretty much every functional piece of equipment, it's still acting up. They're sending a replacement computer, but apparently it will take "7 to 14 business days" to show up - great!

I guess you could say I am working on developing myself as an individual and establishing my sense of emotional independence. Sadly this involved splitting up with Charlene, but I have to take care of myself before I can truly care for somebody else. She has also taken the time to develop herself, which is something that is very relieving for me to know. I have set up a thing with Campus Counseling and Wellness Services to help me achieve this goal, and I look forward to living the future relatively on my own.

This weekend, as a symbolic gesture for my rearranging and restructuring my life, I felt the need to totally reorganize my living area. My first attempt at this fung-schway (spelled incorrectly as a joke)was largely unsuccessful in that I got my room torn apart just enough to realize that it would be a two-person job to finish or put it back. I was stuck with my room a total mess; not what I had in mind for restructuring my personal life! Tonight (four days after I tore up my room) various fraternity brothers stopped by to help me move things around and clean out all the junk that's piled up since I first moved in in May. That in itself seems to be foreshadowing for the future.

Well, dear Internet, I hear my newly repositioned bed calling my name. I have an early class tomorrow that I'd rather not go to (sorry Lisa!) and other things to get done. I know International Feel Sorry For Yourself Day (IFS4Y Day)isn't until May 12, so I hope this post isn't an early celebration; I've had a lot on my mind, and I know that my dear friend the Internet is always there to listen.

Cheers,
Michael

iPod frustration

2009-09-26T19:38:00.001-07:00

Hello friends! I haven't posted for a while I know, but I found a Graph on Graph Jam I wanted to share:

see more Funny Graphs

Life in Constant Motion

2009-09-17T11:18:00.000-07:00

I have come to the realization that constantly twitching all the time has created a certain "microculture" to my life. That's a dumb word. I'm sure there's a better one, like idiosyncrasies or nuances or something like that... but for now, microculture works fine. Some of these things I've known for a while, and some of them are new to me; I thought it would be interesting to write them all down in one place.

Charlene pointed out the other day that I tend to be rather rough with things in general - I sit in chairs roughly, I put down forks and knives loudly, and so on. Now granted, I have always been one to wear things out quickly and not treat things quite as gently as I could. However I am convinced that this is exacerbated by the fact that my body is always doing crazy things. I'm not graceful by the nature of my disorder - I yank my head so hard that I crack my neck pretty often. About once every couple days I have such a severe tic that I temporarily loose my balance. I think that the violent nature of my involuntary movements carry over to my voluntary ones, in that I'm not as aware of voluntary disruptive behaviors because I am constantly being disrupted by involuntary ones.

Also I've found that I am always doing some kind of continuous motion voluntarily, either slowly shaking my leg or nodding my head or something to that effect. It's so much nicer to be disrupted by a tic while I'm moving a bit than from a dead standstill. Also, if I have some sort of internal rhythm or tempo going on, the timing of the tics are slightly more predictable. This constant movement may give the illusion that I am being particularly ADD (which might also play a part) or bored, when the fact is that I'm just trying to make things easier for myself.

I've known for a long time that I'm not gonna win any staring contests any time soon. Wait around a few seconds and I'll have some tic that either makes me throw my eyes away or close them altogether. It slowly donned on me some time ago that I can't keep eye contact with anybody for very long. Whenever I'm looking somebody in the eye (I've experimented) and I have a tic, by the time I get back to where they are their eyes have left and are somewhere else. This is predictable, but still slightly distressing all the same.

In my Chem 102 class last semester, I used to sit in the front row of the class. I had introduced myself to the professor previously, and he would make eye contact with me often during his lecture. Sometimes he would look at me for a few seconds, sometimes more. I started doing secret tests to see what caused him to look away. Sometimes I would wait as long as I could before twitching, and he would hold eye contact for ten to fifteen seconds. The times I would fake a twitch almost as soon as he looked at me, and he would look away immediately.

This has nothing to do with him as an individual, it just goes to show how much my tics affect normal life. Eye contact is a very important thing, especially in close conversations, yet I physically can't keep it for very long. Times that I have been able to hold it for what I normally think of as a normal, reasonable amount of time for eye contact, I've felt uncomfortable. I wish I could keep eye contact, because I think that's very important when you're trying to discuss something important.

Lastly, I tend to point things out about other people perhaps more often than I should. I'm not sure if I see them more, or if I just say them. For example, I'll point somebody out to a friend and say "look at how that person is walking, kind of pigeon toed," or even "that person has a big face." Now obviously this is not anything I would tell anybody directly (and would only say to close friends like Charlene), just an observation about somebody else's body that happened to catch my eye and interest me. I am totally aware that physical characteristics have no indication about a person's character, and I'm sure there's probably a very logical explanation in many cases. Charlene and others have told me not to point such things out before, and have said "look at that kid twitching," as if to give me perspective. But the fact is, people do say "look at that kid twitching," and I am fully aware of that. I am also comfortable enough with myself to know that I am more than a twitch and that if I were to get to know those people, they would learn to accept me based on my personality and not my Tourette's. People that would judge based on my TS, well, I don't want to be their friend anyway. That is why I feel comfortable saying "that person has a very thin nose" and know that I am not judging that person. But, other people do not have that same comfort so I ought to be more careful.

That's it for now. It's interesting to see how a disorder can cause indirect effects on a person psychologically. I wish I could see myself from a third-person point of view to get a better view of these things.... oh well!

Prayer

2009-09-14T05:54:00.000-07:00

A few days ago, a man walked up to me on campus. He couldn’t have been much older than I, black, clean but clearly not well off. He made eye contact with me from far away, and made sure to get my attention with a smile and a wave. He came up and introduced himself politely but quickly. He explained to me that he lived in the shelter down the street, did I know where it was? No? Well, it’s down the street aways. He’s trying to get himself back on his feet, he’s trying to get a job but needed to get to Henderson to talk to somebody about it. He didn’t go into extreme detail, but what he said sounded somewhat reasonable. Anyway, Triangle Transit Authority didn’t run down there, and he’s trying to get down there. I explained I would love to help him but don’t have a car. He really needed to get down there he said, and would be willing to pay someone to help him but didn’t have any money. I was clearly aware of the lonely dollar bill in my wallet, but I knew it’s never a good idea to pull out your wallet near a person asking for money.

He talked to me a bit more, and I began to kind of like him a bit. He said he liked my hat, that it matches some boots he has. I decided that he could probably use the one dollar I had on me more than I could, so taking a small step back and keeping an eye on all his movements, I took my wallet out and handed him my dollar, quickly putting my wallet back in my pocket. He didn’t do anything shady (other than ask for money in the first place), but it was protocol. He seemed a little disappointed with the sum, but thankful all the same. I gave him a firm hand shake, looked him in the eye, and told him how glad I was that he’s getting back on his feet, and that I was proud of him. He reacted a little strangely to my gesture; he either was lying about his story and felt some guilt, or had never been shown that kind of humanity. Either way it doesn’t change the end result, so I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt and assume the latter.

I don’t know who this man was or whether he was lying or not. I don’t know if a dollar actually helped him get what he was looking for or not. A fellow human outstretched a hand to me in what I decided was genuine need. This is the best I can do to pray – do my best to help people and spread as much love as I can. This may not seem like prayer to most, but I personally find it more spiritually gratifying than reciting words in my head or out loud to an ambiguous deity.

The next day I was at Qdoba with Charlene when I saw the man walk by the window. He looked in at me, smiled, and waved.

Amen.

Such Great Differences

2009-09-09T22:10:00.000-07:00

Hey! This is a paper I just wrote for my Intro to Rock and Roll class. Enjoy!

Such Great Differences

Background sounds and music play a crucial role in the perception of what they are accompanying. The weight this phenomenon can be experienced by muting the television during an epic battle scene, or during the climactic kiss of a romance movie. Without the music that guides our hearts through our ears, the intense potential for powerful emotions dies into uncertain monotony. Another example of how much music affects perception can be found in the original and cover version of the song “Such Great Heights” by The Postal Service and Iron & Wine respectively. Each group applies different music to the same poetic lyrics to create unique performances with different meanings.

The Postal Service’s original version of the song begins with an electronic intro, presumably played on a synthesizer. The timbre of each note is almost a plain sine wave, heavily panned either to the left or right, immediately grabbing the listener’s attention and creating somewhat of a futuristic pop sort of feel. While this synthesizer part reoccurs later in the song, it does not clearly define the chord structure of the song and ends as soon as the vocal part begins. When the singer belts out the opening lyrics (0:41), his strong and confident tone quality seem to reinforce the futuristic and youthful nature of the song.

In contrast to the energetic electronics of The Postal Service’s original introduction, the cover done by Iron & Wine begins with a finger picked guitar playing the same part and chord progression it will play for the duration of the song. When I first heard this song, the soothing guitar instantly reminded me of the soft lullabies my father used to play to me as a child. While my own specific personal experiences are no doubt unique, the cover introduction is unquestionably much more relaxed than the original. This lullaby feel is further enhanced by the singer’s mature voice that sings almost as soft as a whisper, but just loud enough to have a pitch.

There is a special emphasis in both versions of the song on a particular set of measures in each of the verses; the first example of which is heard on the lyrics “mirror images” (TPS-0:46, I&W-0:32). In The Postal Service’s original, the note doesn’t fit into the chord structure of the song and jumps out to the listener like a weed in an otherwise clean-cut yard. In the Iron & Wine cover version, the very same phrase is smoother, yet the singer not only uses a more chordal pitch but also employs melismas and other pleasing musical devices that aren’t heard anywhere else in the song. Both versions produce significance to the very same phrase, but the ways in which they go about doing so create a different kind of importance to each.

As mentioned above, The Postal Service makes much use of electronics and studio technology. In fact, the phrases of the verses overlap by a beat, forcing the singer to sound two pitches at once. For example, in the line “…when we kiss they're perfectly aligned/and I have to speculate…” (0:49) the word “aligned” happens on the same beat as the words “And I.” Therefore, these phrases could not realistically be sung by one person in a live setting. Iron & Wine changes the rhythm of these words slightly so that this is not a problem for a lone singer; however despite the seeming intention to stick to the bare acoustic basics it is clear that overdubbing was used because a breath is audible during the word “aligned” (0:39). A small detail, yet an easy recording studio fix. This inclusion was probably intentional, perhaps a foreshadowing of overdubbed harmonies yet to come.

Both versions of the song have staggered instrumental entrances, but the effect is more prevalent in The Postal Service’s version. The song begins with the synthesized blips, soon underscored by a bass line (0:21). The drums begin to fade in (0:25) – an uncommon entrance for any percussion – while the blips fade out, leading way to the vocal entrance (0:41). In the Iron & Wine cover, the vocal entrance (0:20) is the only obvious entrance of sorts, with the exception of the mandolin solo at the end. Closer listening will reveal vocal harmonies layered into the cover as the song progresses, the first of which enters on the second phrase of the first verse (1:01). It is interesting that Iron & Wine would choose to include these harmonies in their acoustic cover, because they are not present in the original. The harmonies are soft and gentle and seem to give the voice an almost dreamy, angelic quality; as if the listener is drifting off to sleep and the harmonies are part of a dream. This makes the lyrics seem to be about flying to “such great heights” in a dream world rather than a futuristic one. As the dream continues the harmonies become more and more involved until they become a whole new instrument (3:43) is embodied by the dream in the form of a mandolin.

Cues for how to interpret the songs can be found in the music videos that the bands produce. The Postal Service’s music video for “Such Great Heights” depicts moving robotic parts and a male and a female astronaut. Based on initial impressions, one might think that this is a word play on the title and nothing more. On closer inspection, many of the scenes seem to have a strong sexual connotation: various robotic insertions and pulsations (0:43, 1:21, 1:28, 2:17, 2:55), subtle crotch shots (1:02), and machine parts that oddly seem to resemble human breasts (0:45) are only a few of the sexual suggestions within the music video. By contrast, Iron & Wine does not have a music video available. This could be due to a lack of funding, but is not likely as the group Confide has a music video for their cover of the song, even though their version is much less popular than the other two. Perhaps Iron & Wine chose not to produce a music video in order to maintain the dreamy, imaginative quality that makes their version so unique. While the material in these videos cannot be experienced solely by listening to the song, it suggests what the artists might have had in mind when they wrote and recorded the songs.

Although both songs use the very same lyrics and almost the same melody, the musical accompaniment drastically changes the meaning of each song. The Postal Service’s original is a ballad of youthful euphoric love, while the stylistic differences in Iron & Wine’s cover turn the same song into a dreamy lullaby. This was achieved by a variations in methods including instrumentation, melody, and vocal qualities. Each artist took the same poetic lyrics and by changing only the musical qualities, created such great differences.

Severine Neff

2009-09-09T12:49:00.000-07:00

I just want to write a little bit about how much I appreciate my music theory professor, Dr. Severine Neff. Dr. Neff is one of the nicest professors I have met at this campus, and her passion for music and teaching it to others is very apparent through her teaching style. She plays piano beautifully, but only plays when necessary to illustrate key points in the lesson. She is very patient, and is open to trying new things to help us learn the concepts - something that cannot be said of many. After spending three semesters with her, Dr. Neff has completely changed the way I write and listen to music.

Props to you, Dr. Neff!

I am now a trumpet player!

2009-09-06T08:02:00.000-07:00

Yesterday marked my first performance on trumpet. We had our opening game of the season versus the Citadel, who we demolished 40-6. It was an awesome experience - I went from barely knowing the fingerings of trumpet to standing in front of a stadium full of people! Granted, I still suck at trumpet but I'm getting a lot better and I'm having a lot of fun. It's awesome! Sorry for the short post, but that's really all I got right now...

Vision

2009-09-03T07:13:00.000-07:00

Today in my RA class, we discussed the differences between visions and goals and how each of those are different in each other's lives. As an exercise, everyone wrote down thier vision in marker on a sheet of paper. This vision could be something we wanted to change at the university level or nationwide or globally. We taped these sheets of paper on the wall, then everybody got the chance to read the visions and give feedback by writing things down on post-it notes and placing those on the wall next to the visions.

I wrote that my vision was to "spread advocacy and awareness about Tourette Syndrome, changing the stereotype." After class, I looked through the notes people had left on my vision. I waded through the various notes, all of them positive and one or two that were illegible. One post-it stood out to me. It said: "Your story is being used to change the lives of others. Very encouraging to me!"

I don't know who in the class of fifteen wrote this note, and I don't know if they know me or know my story at all. But, the note touched me because it reassured me that what I'm doing is not going unnoticed. That my blog actually has a purpose, that the hardships I go through now will translate to less stressful situations for others in the future. I taped the post it onto my laptop right next to the touchpad so that I can see it everyday.

Mixed Meter

2009-09-02T17:26:00.000-07:00

In my Intro to Rock and Roll class, we discussed the idea of mixed meter. A basic explanation for mixed meter is when the count changes throughout the song. Normally, you can count "1 2 3 4, 1 2 3 4" or "1 2 3, 1 2 3," all the way through a song. In mixed meter, this changes and you might find "1 2 3 4, 1 2 3, 1 2 3 4."

Here are some of my favorite songs featuring mixed meter:

All You Need is Love by The Beatles. This one is a mixed-meter standard. They usually alternate between 3/4 and 4/4 time, but sometimes they fake you out. Listen to it and try to count along!
Barracuda by Heart. This song is mostly in 4/4 time, but especially in the second half the Heart sisters throw in bars of 3/4 time. Very cool!
Blue Rondo A La Turk by the Dave Brubeck Quartet. Masters of rhythm and timing, these guys have a real excersice in time signatures on this one. This song has three bars of 9/8 time grouped into four beats (2+2+2+3) followed by one measure of 9/8 grouped into three beats (3+3+3). Cool stuff.
Zombie Woof by Frank Zappa. I have absolutley no idea what's going on in the intro to this song, but I deffinitely suggest listening to it and appreciating how coordinated the musicians are!
Africa by Toto. This one is a little harder to catch - subtle, if you will. Each time the reoccuring musical statement is played throughout the song, there's a bar of 2/4. If you're counting, you should count something like this: 1 2 3 4, 1 2 3 4, 1 2, 1 2 3 4, 1 2 3 4

Thinkin' About Monkeys

2009-08-29T14:25:00.000-07:00

I found pretty early on that it's hard to read most Tourette's literature. The only one I've found motivating is "Front of the Class" by Bradley Cohen. I liked it because he never stopped doing - he kept on living his life, forcing his way through all the bullshit that people kept giving him for his Tourette's.

I had trouble reading the books "Icy Sparks" and "Don't Think About Monkeys." I think that these books are good for the non-Touretter, but I just can't stand to read them. It seemed to me like these books were ways to express pain, to show how much having Tourette's sucked. I already know this; I don't need a book to tell me. I couldn't even get through the books, I just didn't want to hear about how depressed these people were!

On the other hand, about a month before I met Charlene, she read the book "Icy Sparks." Before this, she hadn't even heard of the disorder - how fortuitous that she would read it right before meeting me! That just goes to show how important audience is, I guess. For now, I'll just keep thinking about monkeys.

Classes

2009-08-29T12:47:00.000-07:00

Today marks the first weekend after classes began of the new semester! I'm really excited about it, because I have a really great lineup of classes. I have Music Theory III, Psych 101, Intro to Rock and Roll (that's right!), Intro to Computer Programming, and Peer Leadership. The last one is a class I have to take because I'm an RA, :P. I forsee a lot of frustration with that class, but the good news is that I have it with my best buddy Bruce. Cool! I'm sure I'll be posting interesting bits here and there throughout the semester. Peace friends!

Speechless

2009-08-26T22:25:00.000-07:00

I just experienced something that touched me deeply and I feel the need to share.

As for a bit of background, by now you know that I did not have Tourette's all my life, but rather acquired it suddenly in high school. I've always thought of it as that I got the easy; middle and elementary school are the really formative years, and lucky for me I didn't' have to deal with peers picking on my based on my TS all the time. In fact, I've even felt some shame because of that - who am I to join support groups, when I got to skip what is arguably the most difficult part of a Touretter's life? People are always surprised when they find out I haven't had it all my life, and when I tell them I always feel like I loose 16 years worth of credibility. Today I realized that isn't necessarily true.

Earlier, I was hanging out with two friends who were doing some homework. One friend was a guy who sometimes has a rather rough demeanor but always has a good heart; I think of him as a particularly masculine individual. The other was a young woman with a very unique, almost maternal personality. I was telling them about the guy I had met with facial tics in my Comp Sci class. They were both surprised and somewhat entertained at how genuinely excited I was when I saw his tics. I explained to them that I had never met anybody else with Tourette Syndrome, and that after everything that's happened, no wonder I'm excited when I see someone else who might have had similar experiences! The male friend said "I know how you feel. Actually... I don't. But, I can guess." When he said this, I was a bit confused and said that I didn't mind him saying "I know how you feel" even if he didn't actually have TS, and that it actually meant a lot to me in the first place.

After a moment, he said (and of course this is paraphrased, based on my crummy memory) "You know... I was thinking. I always thought that Tourette's was something you had all your life; but it seems like it would be harder how it happened to you." Even though I understood what he was saying and could predict what was coming next, I was confused. I had never thought of it that way before; also, he was beginning to tear up, which is even more confusing. "I have so much respect for you - I can't imagine what it must be like to do everything that you do even though that happened to you. I don't know what I would do." At this point, he was choking up and covering his eyes with his hand. "So when I say 'I know how you feel...' I really don't."

And with that he finished. I was speechless and he was embarrassed (which is why I've done my best to tell the story without revealing identity as best as possible. I hope I've written it well enough that he could read it and feel good about it.). There were a few moments of silence, and he left for the bathroom. When he was left, I didn't know what to say or do. "That's... never happened before" I said. "Really?" said the second friend, "because that's what everybody thinks."

I was blown away. Still am, actually. I never thought of myself as much of a fighter or anything like that, or even that my unusual onset of TS was any more difficult or inspirational or different than the 'normal' case. Especially when the second friend echoed his sentiment, I felt thrown into a whole new setting.

Many people have told me that my struggle with TS is motivating, but it never struck me like this before. I feel like I just found out I'm some strange kind of hero, but didn't quite realize what all was entailed. People I consider my equals or even superiors look up to me... valleys are mountains and mountains aren't really what you thought they were in the first place. Wow.

New Toy

2009-08-26T19:13:00.001-07:00

I've been itching to play/have an electric guitar for a while, and opportunity knocked on my door last night. My fraternity brother just bought an Epiphone Les Paul and was getting rid of his old elecrtic. He gave me his Squier Strat for an amazingly awesome price. I love it soooo much!! I'm still working on transitioning (or would it be expanding?) from acoustic style to electric styles, and it feels great. by the way I've been trying to figure out exactly what color this is - some say blue, some say purple. What do you think??

I MET A TICCER!!!!1 :D

2009-08-26T12:34:00.000-07:00

Today in my computer programming class, I noticed a student who kept twitching his eyebrows everyfew seconds. For those who don't spend large amounts of time with me, I'm always on the lookout for someone else with Tourette's. I think I spotted one once a looong time ago and I didn't go talk to him; ever since, I've been on the lookout trying to find somebody else who shares the condition with me.

So anyway my 'tic-dar' was going nuts over this guy, and I knew I had to talk to him after class. I've always practiced what to say if/when I meet someone, but of course all of that flew out the window and it was awkwardfest. I walked over and asked if he had tics, then explained that I have Tourette Syndrome and I'm always on the lookout to find somebody else with the disorder. He said he did have eyebrow tics, but that he hadn't been diagnosed as TS and also didn't have any other regular tics. We introduced ourselves, and as he so eloquently put it "it's nice to meet somebody else with the same problem."

We'll see if there's more to come!

Leb

2009-08-25T11:18:00.000-07:00

Hello again! Today was the first day of classes for UNC's fall '09 semester, an exciting day indeed!

Two nights ago, I was with one of my fraternity brothers who was feeling down. After talking things out, we picked up guitars and made up a song on the spot. He played electric lead while I played rhythm on his steel six string; I was his support while he poured his heart out. It was an intense and deep moment, and we played for at least ten minutes without stopping or changing the music.

This particular brother is very spiritual, and has talked to me about what is called the 'language of the heart. ' I'm sure I'm not able to explain this nearly as well as he can, but it is not a spoken language, but more of a felt one. It is more of an abstract language about love rather than a language to write a shopping list or a play. In Hebrew, the word for this is "Leb." Although it does not specifically have to do with music, in that moment I felt the language of the heart between us. We didn't tell each other what was going on or what the other was going to play, but it worked and it was beautiful. I was so honored that I could be a part of that, and that we have the bond that allowed that to happen. Love - be it romantic or brotherly - is magnificent!

Dell Support

2009-08-23T20:43:00.000-07:00

A while back I had a particularly strong tic in my hand while I was typing that resulted in the right 'control' key being ripped off.

Today I talked to Dell support about an unrelated issue with the touchpad, which they are going to replace. I asked them if I could get the key replaced as well. "What happened to the key?" the technician (José was his name) asked.

"Well... I have a neurological disability that causes me to twitch and flail my arms sometimes at random. One time my hand got caught on the control key and ripped it off."

José said that they don't normally replace things that were caused by external factors, but that he would make an exception in this case.

Thanks Dell! :-)

Tourette's History Part IV

2009-08-21T19:06:00.001-07:00

About a week ago in RA training, we spent a day talking about diversity and identity. It was ironic because I happened to be sporting a mohawk that day as part of an ongoing joke. I don't consider myself a mohawk person, even though people said it looked great. It felt so out of place when I would reach up and touch it! At the end of this training day, we broke into our individual building staffs - a group of about twenty people in my case. The Community Director (Josh) led an activity that helped us explore our own identities. First, we each wrote a list of ten things that we consider to be very important to defining each of us as a person. My list started with "Tourette Syndrome" and included other things like "good listener," "musician," things like that. Once the list was made up, Josh asked us cross off five of those things. It was difficult, but I picked the five that I felt least connected to and removed them from my list of identity. Then, he asked us to cross off three more. I was down to "Tourette Syndrome" and "Understanding of Other's Perspectives." Predictably, the next step was to pick one more item to cross off. I sat staring at the paper, wanting my best to have "Perspectives" be the one thing that I thought defined me, but I knew it wasn't true. I drew a bold black line through it.

We went around the circle and took turns telling the group about our lists and what was left as our most central identity trait. As we went around the cirlce, many people had heavy subjects and some were emotional. I rehearsed what I was going to say in my head. I thought about how I would introduce the points that I was particularly proud of, and of little jokes I could throw in here or there to make it light. But when it was almost my turn, I looked at my list and saw a list of nine perfectly good personality traits crossed out and one horribly life-changing disability sitting like king at the top of them. All the sudden everything hit me at once and I reacted to my Tourette's in a way I had never done before.

I started to cry.

I did my best to hold it back at first, because it was my turn to speak. It was a very emotional moment and I don't remember exactly what I said, but I'll give my best shot at recreating the moment: "Today I've talked about my Tourette Syndrome a lot. Two and a half years ago I was a normal guy; I never really processed it until right now. It may not seem like a big deal, but for every tic you see, I have about twenty - and I feel every single one of them. I feel like it's a cage that I'm trying to reach out of, but crossing everything out made me just see the cage. That's... That's all I got."

I began to cry freely and to my surprise, many of the people around me did too. The guy next to me stood up and gave me a huge bear hug, even though I was to weak to stand up and return it. We continued going around the circle, although it was hard for me to concentrate on what was being said. I kept my eyes down and shed silent tears; it was so hard to think about anything or the people in the room. I felt so rediculous crying like a baby with a badass mohawk. I wasn't slowing down any, even though the next couple people were already talking. I remember looking up momentarily and being overwhelmed with the size of the cirlce in front of me. Maryam, who had also had a rather emotional list, came over to kneeled next to me and put her arms around me, which gave me the strength to stop staring at the piece of paper and crumple that shit up. Finally, we took a water break for everyone to refresh and recharge their batteries from the heavy things we were discussing. I stood up and started to head to the bathroom to clean myself up. I still hadn't recovered from my turn, and three or four people came in tears to where I was before I could move, showering me with reassuring hugs and words. It's odd to me to think that other people can be so heavily affected by something that happens to someone else, but it was very thereaputic to be able to share the moment. One person was crying almost harder than I was. She told me how great of a person she thought I was and that she felt lucky to know me. We hugged about three times; her actions meant so much to me at that moment, more than I can describe in words.

As I left the group and headed off to the bathroom to clear out my nose, I began to gasp for breath. Not knowing what was going on, I started crying even harder and louder than I had before. I didn't even make it to the bathroom; Josh and Maryam came and rescued me halfway there. I dove into them and sobbed harder than I think I ever have since I was little. It was one of the deepest, realest, most meaningful embraces I think I will ever experience. I don't know how long we stood there as I poured out the contents of my heart, lungs, and tear ducts onto them.

When I was done crying, Maryam took me on a walk around campus. We discussed each other's lives and issues and how we felt about things. We walked and talked until the mosquitos drove us back inside. Maryam is such an amazing person, always fighting for the right thing. I know that someday she will have a great impact on the world; indeed, she already has on mine.

Looking back (although admittedly it hasn't been all that long), I don't really know what exactly happened that day, or where I am now because of it. I do know that I took a step. A very large step indeed, but the direction of which I am unsure of. I guess that can only be determined by time and heinsight, right? I wish I had a better way to end this enormous post, but unfortunately I think it's just going to have to stop. I wrote this in a long, multi-hour single sitting, so I'm sure there are a bunch of errors in typing and junk like that in it. Whatever, I'll fix them tomorrow.

My Tourette's History, Part III

2009-08-21T19:06:00.000-07:00

Pretty soon after the actual diagnosis of Tourette's, vocal tics began. Whether it was the power of suggestion or just the natural course of events is debatable, but it happened. They began as malformed unpredictable thoughts. For example, seeing my dog would make me think about having tics that sounded like a dog - a few minutes later I started growling and barking! It's a true story, I remember my poor dog looking so confused as to what was going on. In fact, I even remember beatboxing about 8 measures worth of music totally involuntarily!

After a while the vocal tics settled on a regular pattern of gibberish words. I'd blurt things like "tertabidable blibl!" and stuff like that. It was so odd because I always knew exactly what I had just said and even how one would go about spelling them, even though they were nonsensical words.

I remember the first day of my high school Senior English class, asking my teacher to let me stand up and explain my condition to the class. She had been planning an 'ice breaker' type thing anyway, so she let me go first. I stood up, told the class my name and favorite ice cream flavor, then said something along the lines of "I recently developed Tourette Syndrome. It's new to me, so I'm just as confused about it as you guys are. So you may hear me make noises and stuff, but that's just my Tourette's." I think a lot of people were particularly moved by the part about it being new to me, and all were understanding. In the same class, I did my final presentation about why disabilities awareness should be taught in public schools. As an example of what this might look like, I made a video explaining two disorders, Tourette Syndrome and Albinism. I explained Tourette Syndrome and an Albino friend of mine helped with the second part. When I gave my presentation in front of the class, everyone clapped really loudly and a few girls even started crying! I think I lost that video file before I could get it on YouTube, which is unfortunate.

Another significant moment happened one day in Wind Symphony class. It was towards the end of rehearsal and people where packing up. All the sudden I felt a vocal tic coming on, different than any of them before. I had been ticcing "shhh- shhh-" every so often, but it finally finished itself: "shhhit!" it wasn't loud, and probably sounded like any other explative. I knew it was involuntary though, which is what made it so wierd. Somehow, halfway across the room in the trombone section, my best friend Fletcher heard it and somehow understood the significance. He and I locked eyes across the room - "was that what I thought it was??" his face said. And alas it was - the dreaded coprolalia, the involuntary blurting of socially inappropriate things. Fortunately this episode only lasted about two days. For more, check out the post titled "Coprolalia."

I worked with a psychologist, Dr. Carl Mumpower in Asheville, to learn strategies to reduce the tics. We made up a technique we called "Psychido," a play on the martial art form aikido. In aikdido, the idea is to use the opponents energy to bring him down using as little force as possible. I learned how to relax and ignore the tics; I let them flow freely through my mind without actually being expressed. Once I learned this, I soon found that the vocal tics were fairly easy for me to control the vocal tics and greatly reduce the physical tics. Now I don't have to consciously think about it as much, the psychido comes somewhat naturally.

Life moved on and I started heading towards college. I began meeting other Touretters online, like Catherine, Faith, and Jimmy "Tyrannasaurus Rets." Each of us at different stages of our lives and in different parts of the world (US and UK), I felt a connection to each of them. We could talk about our experiences, and yet at the same time it wasn't perfect. All of us had differenct experiences with their Tourette's which affected how each felt towards it. I noticed very quickly that I had a very optimistic outlook on things since I had developed it after I had already settled into my high school social life and personality.

When I went to college I was able to get a single room as a disability accomodation. The logic was that I need a place to go and be able to relieve tics or stress without the worry of a roommate, or to keep him awake at night twitching (even though I don't twitch in my sleep). The plan was admittedly half legit and half a plot to not have to deal with a roommate, but there were a few nights where I got so stressed out and twitchy that having a roommate would have been bad. In that case, I guess it was worth it!

My father does public speaking on ethics part time, and he encouraged me to think about speaking publicly about having Tourette's. I liked the idea, but never really had any place to go about it. I thought it would be great if I were able to make jokes about it, jokes from my point of view. Tourette's is the funny disease, because cursing randomly is always funny, right?! I thought that by making real jokes I could educate people and make it fun! My opportunity came knocking with the Carolina Comedy Commission put on their big comedy weekend. They had various comedic events that all led up to a stand up show including Wyatt Cenac, Maria Bamford, and Lewis Black. At the last minute, I saw a sign advertizing a student stand-up competition that weekend. I had missed the deadline for sign ups but I emailed anyway and made it into the line-up. I threw an act together and practiced it in front of my dorm's housekeeper (Joseph) a couple of times, and once in front of some friends. You can see the final result on YouTube under the name Crosa Stands Up. Th next day I saw Lewis Black walking around the campus of UNC. He didn't recognize my face from the competition, but he recognized my tics. Turns out he was there watching the competition. He told me about a movie he saw once about a guy who had Tourette's, even though he "couldn't remember the name of that ffffah-king movie." It meant a lot to me that he reached out like that - and that he watched my comedy bit!

Speaking of friends, I just want to throw in that my friends are SO awesome! They're always supportive of me and (almost) everything I do! A special shout out to Bruce, Josh, Maryam, my PMA brothers, and my [then] girlfriend Charlene. There are tons and tons of people that have helped me over the years, but way too many to name!

Check out Part IV for more. I went back and separated them months later into logical sections, so some comments may be referring to things said in that one!

The Scatman

2009-08-20T15:57:00.000-07:00

While I do haven't read anything that scientifically proves this, I've always thought of stuttering to be related to nervous tics, and therefore to Tourette's. Last night I actually listened to the lyrics of a favorite song, "Scatman" by Scatman John. I was floored by close to home the song hit, and I wanted to share it on my blog. I can't embed this particular video, so I'll post a link:

LINK!

Here's the lyrics that speak to me:
Everybody stutters one way or the other
So check out my message to you.
As a matter of fact don't let nothin' hold you back.
If the Scatman can do it so can you.
Everybody's sayin' that the Scatman stutters
But doesn't ever stutter when he sings.
But what you don't know I'm gonna tell you right now
That the stutter and the scat is the same thing.
Yo I'm the Scatman.

The Marching Tarheels begin!

2009-08-19T20:51:00.001-07:00

Today was the first day of the Marching Tarheels Band camp! It was also my first day as an official trumpet, and it was awesome. Having recently picked up the trumpet it was much more difficult for me than most, but it was exciting. Last year I played on the drum line, but many there were many factors that influenced my decision for trumpet.

One of which is that a lot of the trumpet players are in Phi Mu Alpa Sinfonia, the music fraternity I am a part of. It is very exciting for all of the brothers to be back in town after a long summer without them. After not seeing them all summer, I forgot how significant it was to have so many people around me that I have such a deep connection with. No matter where we may interact on campus, the brothers support each other and mean a lot to each other.

Also, I went to the doctor about a wrist injury that happened a few days ago. I hurt it in my sleep, and after looking at the x rays it looks like it might be broken just a little bit after all. I have to go to orthopedics to get that all figured out - more about that as it comes.

More later - bed now. Goodnight, internet!

Music in the Heart

2009-08-17T18:01:00.000-07:00

Today as an RA staff, we volunteered as a group at an organization called Club Nova. It's an organization that provides a lifestyle for people in the community with mental disabilities and handicaps. It's called a "Clubhouse Model," where members and staff both participate equally in running the organization. They have three main components of the oragnization: the house, the thrift store, and the apartments. The apartments were recently taken over by the government and are now Section 8 housing, but many of the members still live there. The house has meeting places, offices, a kitchen, and is just in general a place for people to hang out and be social. The thrift shop is pretty self explanatory, that's where I presume they make the majority of their income.

It was an odd experience being around so many people who have disorders and disabilities that are much more extreme that my own, and I think some of my fellow volunteers felt similarly. It was very clear that all of the members had a normal underlying self and personality, but there's was some barrier or difference that changes them in unfortunate ways.

The house had an upright piano wich of course I ended up at during our lunch break! Many of the same RAs from the Pachelbel post were with me at the piano, too. We talked about music theory some, discussing the difference between major, minor, and diminished triads and what exactly a seventh chord is. One of the members came over and talked to us a bit. Because of the barriers, I wasn't sure exactly what he said, but he definitely asked to sit down at the piano. He talked about listening to the radio and how he hasn't had much inspiration for a while. He mumbled something that didn't make a whole lot of sense about tuning and playing in band, so I was slightly skeptical when told me he was going to play me a pop song. He proved my ignorance when he began playing a beautiful chord progression right in front of me, complete with inversions and sharps and flats and everything beautiful. It made me remember that music is a part of all of us, and is a form of communication that bridges lingual and cultural and even disability barriers. I felt that I could experience the person he truly was, despite the differences in the way our minds work.

The video unfortunately doesn't have sound, but perhaps it's still interesting to watch.

Happy Birthday!

2009-08-16T20:11:00.000-07:00

Hello friends! It's been a while since I last posted. Since we last talked, RA training finished and the school year is growing ever nearer! Over the course of the last few days I've had much deep introspection about what having Tourette's means to me and to my identity, and unfortunately I can't say it's all positive. The best thing for me to do is keep on keepin' on, finding hidden rays of sunshine where you'd least expect them.

Elephant Follow-Up

2009-08-12T22:01:00.000-07:00

Hello again friends! It's only been a few days since I wrote about my question-ball trick. Since then, I've been making it a point to bring up my Tourette's in group conversations to show that I'm comfortable talking about it. A few of the staff have since approached me either in private or in a small group asking me to answer questions they have. Everyone has been extremely polite about it, and I've done my best to assure them that any question is a good question if it's a sincere question. At least one of them even had prior experience with somebody with Tourette Syndrome, and that's always a good feeling.

Also, I finally started mentioning my blog to people. It feels so wierd to me to promote myself like that, especially since I don't really think I have anything all that special to say in the first place! However, I feel like a do a better job explaining Tourette's in writing than I do in person, so perhaps it's not that bad after all. That being said, if you're reading this blog after I told you about it in person, I really appreciate the time and interest you're giving me - holla!

Mohawk

2009-08-11T22:23:00.000-07:00

So today in RA training, my staff did a skit based on the popular video game Guitar Hero. We dressed up like hard rockers - let's just say I got a little carried away!

Yes, the mohawk is real. No, I do not plan on keeping it for very long!

The Elephant in The Room

2009-08-09T18:09:00.000-07:00

Let's face it; Tourette Syndrome is a rather visible disorder. What makes it so difficult to live with is not so much that it's painful or harmful, but that it's embarrassing and awkward. It can be particularly difficult in groups of new people, and different based on if the majority of the new group already knows each other (such as transferring to a new class) or if everybody in the group is new to each other.

In the RA training that started yesterday, I've been in the latter situation where everybody is new to the group. There are twenty people on my staff, and I've mentioned my Tourette's to some of them here and there, but as a group it hasn't been brought up. I felt like it was a 400 pound elephant in the room that everybody was wondering about but weren't comfortable talking about. I grabbed the bull by the horns and found a way to bring it up in front of the whole group.

As an "icebreaker" game, our staff tosses around a beach ball with questions written on it. You read out the question that your right thumb is touching and answer it to the group. Today when the ball was thrown to me, I faked a question that would let me open up to the group.

"What is your greatest fear?" I pretended to read off the ball. Fulfulling the ball's inquiry by telling everybody wether I was a dog or cat person would have to wait.

"Well...." I said, pretending to pick my brain for fears and phobias. "I'd have to say that my biggest fear is more of a smaller, constant fear. I have Tourette Syndrome, which is a disorder that makes me twitch and what not. I'm always nervous that it will cause a particuarly awkward situation or make me do something that's hard to explain." Then I departed from pretending to answer the question, and went straight for self advocacy: "I'm really open about it, and I don't mind answering questions about it."

And with that, I felt more at ease and I sensed that the group was more at ease. Whether they really were or not I don't know, but I can relax now and twitch comfortably. I trust that everyone feels comfortable coming up to me and asking questions about my Tourette's - and that's what it's all about.

Half a Pachelbel

2009-08-08T21:16:00.000-07:00

Today was the first day of RA training, and it went quite well in my opinion. I got to meet my coworkers for the next year and start building relationships with them. After the training was over, three of the more musically inclined guys made their way to my room, where we proceeded to jam. We had a drumset, two guitars, and a mandolin going (all of which were my instruments except for one of the guitars). The guy playing the mandolin was new to the instrument but picked it up with surprising speed - the man's got good string sense!

We all doodled around a bit with various melodies and chord progressions, but we locked together on one in particular and had a really awesome groove going. The chords were C, G, Am, and F repeated. In the key of C (which it was,) this is reffered to as a I V vi IV progression. The C chord, being built from the first note in the scale, is symbolized by roman numeral I; the G chord is built from scale degree 5 and is symbolized by roman numeral V, and so on. This can be heard in a great deal of songs, like "Don't Stop Believin" by Journey, "Let it Be" by The Beatles, "Sk8er Boi" by Averile Levinge... you get the idea. People refer to this as the "Pachelbel chords," but this is wrong.

Pachelbel's Canon is I V iv ii IV I IV V. In the key of C, that would be C, G, Am, Dm, F, C, F, G. If we compare the first four chords of Pachelbel's canon to the other progression, you see that they're the same except for the last chord. However, this is somewhat forgivable because a Dm and an F chord are the same except for one note (D minor is D,F,A; F is F,A,C). The real issue comes in when you realize that "Don't Stop Believin'" and the other songs have four chords, but pachelbel has - count 'em - eight! That's right, what many musicians think of as the "Pachelbel progression" doesn't even have the right number of chords! For a song that uses legit Pachelbel, listen to "Graduation" by Vitamin C. That doesn't really count though, because she (they?) actually has Pachelbel's original piece playing in the background. It's a very nice tribute, but you can see how that's not quite what we're going for.

Luckily for you, you've read this blog and you know the truth. Therefore, the next time one of your musician friends tries to impress you by saying "You hear that? That's Pachelbel!" You can turn around and say to them "Oh yeah? Then where's the other half?"

Zombie Mints

2009-08-08T07:28:00.001-07:00

While I was in the bookstore yesterday, I stumbled upon a box of 'zombie mints.' I couldn't resist buying them, as I was about to hang out with Noah and Bruce, who are always preparing for the zombie invasion.

What I thought would be brain-shaped mint-flavored candies actually turned out to be candy-shaped brain-flavored "mints." Noah and I both had to buy a soda just to get the taste out of our mouths, but Bruce was smart enough not to get one. Yuck!

Beginning of the beginning of the second quarter of the way through college

2009-08-07T20:33:00.000-07:00

Summer is finally wrapping up and Resident Advisors (RAs) like myself are beginning to move in to campus. It's great to see campus coming back to life after a summer of camps and frat boys. I was lucky and was able to live during the summer in the same room that I will live in during the school year. Basically, I don't have to worry about moving in on move-in day! I spent the day helping friends move into their respective dorms. It was really great to help people get settled in their new homes and to see old friends again. A few highlighs:

While I was in what is the first building of UNC (built in 1793), a friend and I happened upon a way to peek out from the roof. I got the following shots from my camera phone:

New East, and the Alumni Place parking lot.

Columbia street and Playmaker's Theater.

The lights in the background are Hamilton Hall and Davis Library.

Earlier in the day, Noah, Dirk and I were helping my buddy Bruce move into his new RA room on south campus. When we pulled up there was a seemingly abandoned car seat sitting at the edge of the parking lot. It was kinda (ish) near a dumpster so presumably left as trash, even though it appeared to be in perfectly useable condition. It even had two cup holders attatched to the side of it. It was the perfect chair to play video games in, so naturally Noah and I grabbed it and took it up to Bruce's room.

Noah and I went back to the car to get more stuff while Dirk and Bruce wrestled with the carpet in the room. When we got to the parking lot we saw a van parked next to our car and a confused and somewhat upset family of three standing next to a it, the father of which was staring intently at us. Immediately realizing what had happened and what awkwardness was about to ensue, Noah and I went with our first instincts: avoid eye contact and act natural!

As we drew closer the man asked us "did you guys see a van seat sitting here? We put it right in front of this parking space." Noah stepped up to the plate and boldly replied "um... I don't know..." From that point on, both parties knew exactly what happened, but the intricacies of social interaction got in the way of us fixing the problem. Noah and I mumbled that there was a chair that we though belonged to a buddy of ours, so I "went to the room to see if he had picked it up by mistake." By "went to the room," I mean really mean that I went around the corner of the building (I had no key) while I frantically called Bruce (twice) and told him to bring it down.

When I returned to where Noah was, the family had just opened the van door to show him what the seat looks like. "Yeah, that was it!" he said, with a pretty good attempt at acting surprised. Not knowing what exactly Noah had said to them and not wanting to contradict the story he may or may not have told them, I said the most vague thing I could: "They're bringing it down."

It was pretty quiet between everybody as we waited for Bruce and Dirk and Seat. Once the finally arrived, Dirk hit the nail on the head when he quietly sang "aaaawkwarrrd" in a high falsetto. The father looked kind of like a policeman taking stolen goods from criminals, while we felt like dumsterdivers who found out they weren't actually in a dumpster at all. And basically... that's what happened.

Coprolalia

2009-08-04T17:21:00.000-07:00

Hello again! Time for a new vocabulary word, haha. There are two classifications of tics: vocal and physical. It's interesting to observe that people with Tourette's may have one but not the other, or may have more tics of one type but not the other (I have more physical tics that I have vocal tics, but they happen every once in a while). Coprolalia is a particular kind of vocal tic, which is the subject of this post.

Coprolalia is the involuntary saying (or shouting) of socially inappropriate words or phrases. This is the side of Tourette's that is primarily shown in the media, although in reality it's pretty rare amoung us Touretters. It's estimated that only about 15-20% of people with Tourette Syndrome experience coprolalia. This can be as simple as blurting isolated curse words, but can be phrases or even complete sentences. According to Dictionary.com, the prefix copro- comes from greek origin and means "dung." Basically, 'copro' means shit. -lalia is a prefix that is also from greek, and it means 'talking.' In English, it is used to denote impediments or other disorders related to speech. So, coprolalia literally means "shit talking."

A couple days ago at work I experienced coprolalia. It didn't last long, only about as long as my shift. I was lucky because my task did not involve interacting with people! The worst time I experienced Coprolalia was the first time it ever happened. I was sitting in my AP statistics class (senior year of high school) when out of nowhere I started yelling "SHIT!!" at the top of my lungs. I had no reason to be yelling it, I wasn't mad at the teacher or anything like that. In fact, it was a pretty normal day for me other than the coprolalia. What was so bad about it this incident is the frequency with which the tics would come. I was saying it about three or four times per minute! This went on for the rest of the school day which presented many awkward situations, but life goes on. The worst part about coprolalia is that I feel so awkward filling a stereotype - I'm sure everybody has felt similarly at one point or another. As for right now, the stressful part of work is done with and I can relax and enjoy the calmness!

Bicycle!

2009-08-04T15:48:00.000-07:00

So in anticipation of the school year ahead and of the long walk from South Campus to classes, I bought a bicycle. I took it for a ride today and absolutely love it! It's a Mongoose mountain bike that I got from Kmart. Charlene bought one with me - we haven't gotten a chance to ride them together but that'll be a cute date when we do. Since this is a music blog, here's a video that Charlene sent me of Pink Floyd's "Bicycle," a cute song about love and silliness.

Bobby McFerrin and the Pentatonic Scale

2009-08-01T18:48:00.000-07:00

The pentatonic scale is composed of only five notes, as opposed to the tradition seven-note scale. Imagine playing a song using only the black keys of a piano. As difficult or unnatural as this may seem, plenty of very common songs are composed using a pentatonic scale, including "Cowboys" by John Williams and "My Girl" by The Temptations. In fact, one of the first original songs that I wrote for marching band turned out to be in a pentatonic scale. I didn't even realize it until years later!

I found out about Bobby McFerrin a while ago through YouTube and I'm amazed by everything he does. A coworker recently sent me a video to a demonstration he gave at a conference called "Notes and Neurons." It's an interesting look at how the pentatonic scale is almost hardwired into the human brain. Check it out!

World Science Festival 2009: Bobby McFerrin Demonstrates the Power of the Pentatonic Scale from World Science Festival on Vimeo.

Monkey Love

2009-08-01T14:33:00.000-07:00

The name of this blog is "Music and Tourette's," but so far the majority of my posts have been Tourettical and not musical. So! Here's a song I made not too long ago for Charlene. Be sure to watch through the first thirty seconds, because that's when it gets interesting!

Tourette Syndrome Stand Up

2009-08-01T13:55:00.001-07:00

It's no secret that Tourette Syndrome is the "funny" disease. If it's portrayed in movies, it's usually just a character blurting curse words. I knew that I could make jokes about Tourette Syndrome from my point of view that could raise awareness and be entertaining at the same time.

I got my opportunity back in April 2009 at the Carolina Comedy weekend at UNC. There was a comedy competition for students to give their best three-minute stand up routine; the winner got to open for Lewis Black that weekend. My goal was to just try telling positive Tourette's jokes and see if I really could do it. I did not win the competition (although one of the judges later told me I was in the top 5), but I reached my goal and I'm happy about that. I can't wait to do it again!!

My Tourette's History, Part II

2009-07-31T13:10:00.000-07:00

So let's catch up. Last time you read, I had just gone to the emergency room for the first time. They gave me a CAT scan and some other tests, all of which all ended up negative. At this stage in the game, all of my twitches were of a purely physical nature - no vocal tics at all. So let's continue...

I went to quite a few neurologists and hospitals over the next few months. I was seen by pediatric neurologists in my hometown hospital of Mission Hospital and at Emory Hospital in Atlanta, Georgia. Not only did the doctors give me various unsatisfactory diagnoses, but they also gave different definitions of "Tourette Syndrome" and why I did not have it. Due to the irregularity of my case and my very persistent mother, I was able to be seen at the National Institute of Neurological Disorders and Stroke (NINDS) , part of the National Institutes of Health (NIH) in Bethesda, Maryland.

Just as an explanation of how cool that is, NIH only sees patients that were unable to be diagnosed or helped by other doctors around the country. They also do not provide treatment, except as part of an experiment. This way, they can focus on furthering the boundaries of medicine and not on routine procedures. I had the top 20ish neurologists in the country (plus a few interns) all focusing and talking about me and my condition. They took a video of my tics, and asked me and my family various questions about how the tics felt, when they started, and so on. By the time they came around to giving their diagnosis, the doctor assigned to talking to my family one on one (Dr. Ejaz Shamim) informed us that I had a tic disorder. "Okay, that sounds about right. Which one?" we asked. Apparently that was it... just a generic tic disorder with no real background, no character. They said that most likely the virus I had prior to developing the twitches managed to travel to my brain and mess up some wiring, causing me to have intermittent involuntary 'tics.' I did not quite have enough symptoms to be labeled as "Tourette Syndrome," but I was close.

It sucked for those few weeks that I all I knew was that I had a "tic disorder." People would ask why I was twitching and all I could tell them is basically what they could already see for themselves. The smart ones would ask "do you have Tourette's?" I would tell them no, but almost. It was difficult because I felt somewhat trapped by this incurable, undiagnosable thing that may or may not go away in time.

I remember the day (August 12, 2007) when we got the call from the doctor's office. My mother was driving me to take my driving test for my driver's liscence at the DMV. Apparently the doctors at NIH were so fascinated with my case that they consulted even more doctors and had finally decided that I did, in fact, have Tourette Syndrome. I was so relieved!! I felt like I had finally landed after falling for a very long time. People often ask me "were you sad when you found out you had Tourette's?" almost as if I hadn't noticed. "No way!" I tell them. "I'd never felt better!"

I performed marvelously on the driving test and got my lisence on the first try. As the final part of the drivers license routine, the DMV lady behind the counter asked "do you experience tremors, uncontrollable movements, blackouts..." She continued with a long list of medical issues that could perhaps impair one's driving abilities, but she had already said the important things first. My heart sank with tentative disappointment as I responded nervously with "um... I have Tourette's."

"Okay," she said with a questioning look. All that she asked was: "how do you spell that?"

(To be continued)

My Tourette's History, Part I

2009-07-29T15:24:00.000-07:00

So let me tell you the background story.

Most children tend to develop Tourette Syndrome gradually in early life; could be anywhere around 3-10 years old, give or take. I, however, developed it suddenly at the age of sixteen. I remember the day pretty well; it was March 16, 2007, and I had just gotten over the flu that had been going around the school just a week before. I came back to Mr. Ross's third period pre-Calculus class after lunch this particular Friday, and and when I sat down and laid my hands on the desk, my right hand seemed to swat an imaginary fly, as if it had a mind of it's own. I remember staring at my hand, wondering how to react: "What just happened? Did anyone else see that? Why did that happen?" After sifting through various questions, my mind settled on one that best fit the scenario: "Did I do that on purpose?"

Throughout the rest of class, similar twitches kept appearing in unpredictable places. My feet would kick and my hands would swat at nothing in particular; even my nose wrinkled up a few times. I remember experimenting with them, trying to see how much they were caused by voluntary thoughts or some involuntary force. It seems that the line between the voluntary and the involuntary is not so clearly defined...

When I went to 4th period Music Theory, I decided it was time to say something to somebody. We had a test that day... I was going to try to take it, but my knees wouldn't stop awkwardly wobbling together and my back kept jerking straight up. Don't forget, these are large movements we're talking about here. My back was jerking so hard I had to stop writing each time it happened! Mr. Talley (a wonderful guy and band director) drove me the short distance to my mom's classroom (she taught Chemistry at my high school).

My mom is funny, always finishing "that last e-mail" for a rediculously long time. I remember walking into her classroom and saying "Mom, I'm twitching I think I may need to go to the doctor."
"Mkay Bunchie, let me finish this email," she replied without looking up from her computer.
"Okay, Mom."
(pause)
"Mike, will stop tapping your foot?"
"No Mom, that's the problem."
I remember the look of shock on her face when she realize the weight of the situation. She immediately shut down her computer and rushed me to the Emergency Room.

(To be continued)

Awesome Recording Studio

2009-07-28T18:04:00.000-07:00

Ben and I in the recording studio

So my aunt and cousin came along with my mom to visit me this week . My aunt (Jean) and cousin (Ben) are from Cincinnati, OH so it was really awesome that they came. Ben is 15 years old and he and I are good buds. So anyways, our moms rented out this guest house type thing near Jordan lake.

Me doing my best to keep a pitch and remember the words!

Little did they know at the time that the guest house that they rented was half-house half-recording studio! After we talked to the guy who owned the place and he found out we were both musicians, he left the studio unlocked for us to play around with whenever we want. It was stocked with a full drumset, a grand piano, a double-keyboard set up, a Fender Stratocaster and a few mics. Ben sat down at the drums and I grabbed the Strat and we had a rockin good time. We played things like Hotel California and Mad World as well as random stuff we made up on the spot. We didn't actually record anything, we just played the instruments and had a good time.

Ben rockin' out on the drums

Work today

2009-07-25T14:23:00.000-07:00

Work was quite tiring today. We were putting linens in all of the rooms of Craige North (UNC dorm); pillows, towels, blankets, pillowcases, sheets, and fitted sheets. What was scheduled to be a three hour task ended up being about a seven and a half hour task... quite tiring and frustrating. On the bright side, today's excursions will give my paycheck a considerable boost. I'll skip the story of everything that happened and skip straight to the moral: Think things through before you say things - talking shit won't get anybody anywhere if it really is shit.

Today's work was significant because it was my first day with vocal tics after a considerable length of silence. I have physical tics all the time, but the vocal tics are much rarer for me. I think it was probably the mental and physical stress of the job that brought it back up. I feel a bit silly saying that because the job wasn't particularly stressful, but it was just enough to jump start the tics again. They stopped pretty soon after I got off the clock, but who knows if and when they'll start back up again. I'm going to take a nap!!

1

2009-07-24T16:42:00.000-07:00

Hello!

This post marks my first attempt at bloggage. If you're reading this I guess that means you're at least a little bit interested in me; therefore, I'll tell you a bit about who I am!

My name is Michael and at the time that I'm writing this I'm waiting to begin my sophomore year at UNC Chapel Hill. My mind and body are filled with a passion for music, butI am majoring psychology with a minor in music.

In my junior year of high school I randomly developed Tourette Syndrome (I'll talk more about that in later posts). After developing this, I went to UNC to study chemistry and then go on to med school and become a neurologist specializing in Tourette Syndrome (TS). This plan promptly changed upon my first chemistry class! I reevaluated things and realized that my clinical psychologists had provided me with much more real help than the neurologists did. They tought me how to live and deal with my Tourette's in a way that the neurologists couldn't. Now that I've decided on clinical psychology, I find myself much more interested in the subject matter than I ever was in neurology.

So that's me! I'm sure I'll be blogging more as time goes on. Thanks for visiting!